Desperately Seeking.....

My passion

2011-11-03T10:41:00.003-04:00

This week I began working on a new approach to my quiet time with God. Several weeks back a guest pastor suggested that our group try something new and yet very simple. Our instructions included reading Scripture until we felt God pressing into us a specific verse. God seemed to be pressing me to start with 1 Corinthians and read the letters of Paul with fresh eyes. So that's what I did. And this first time, it sure didn't take long to get that verse that the Spirit was emphasizing.

I Conrinthians 1:10 "I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought..... Is Christ divided?"

With all of the external pressures that the church in Corinth was struggling with from their surrounding culture - corruption, idolatry, sexual immorality - Paul first addresses the division in the church in Corinth. He's calling for unity. And this hit a chord in me. I see markers in my life over the last four years where God has been softening me. I spent a good portion of my early Christian years concentrating on what separated my beliefs from others. Then things started to change. Those issues that seemed so critical weren't in areas that were primary to faith and relationship with God. So God started showing me how we were more alike than different. Not only was I beginning to see bridges across denominations, but I was starting to travel them regularly with joy and love in my heart.

God is giving me a passion for unity. Disunity and casual comments about why ours is better than yours or sarcastic or joking remarks about other practices in other churches are hurtful and damaging. And I've been on both sides of that. Learning and respecting each other will breed something special and vastly powerful. Can we use the best of what we do to teach others across denominations? Can we build relationships past larger organizations? It's happening. I know some of you are doing it regularly.

Jesus gave us an enormous job to do as his hands and feet with the Great Commission. It seems very clear that we should be in lock step with other followers. I will be praying that the Spirit shows me where to go next with this passion for unity. What about you? Are you with me? How can we do this better? What barriers will we face?

Say Yes to God

2011-09-16T00:14:00.003-04:00

About a month ago a very wise woman suggested that I sign up for this devotional by Kay Warren, wife of Purpose Driven Life's author, Rick Warren. I hesitated for a week or so but finally got around to signing up for the daily email reminder. One lesson was all it took for me to eagerly await my next installment - and tell friends and family. You can sign up here http://kaywarren.com/30-day-adventure-say-yes-to-god-signup/ and each day Kay Warren will share with you in a very authentic way how you can walk down the adventurous path of saying yes to God. The path of dangerous surrender. She's very honest that it isn't easy. She's equally as honest that she has not always listened and that honesty is refreshing. She hasn't always thought or said the right things. Whew. What a relief - because neither have I. Each session is a video somewhere between 2 and 5 minutes long and I'm betting it will have you considering how you can say yes to God too. If you sign up, I'd love to hear what you think.

Take Good Care of My Heart

2011-09-12T20:47:00.003-04:00

Last week my husband and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. It was great for lots of reasons but I mention it because I often wax nostalgic around then. So this year, for several days after, I found myself strangely humming a tune from the 80's - Take Good Care of My Heart - a song from Whitney Houston's debut album and a duet with Jermaine Jackson. I think I played that cassette until the tape snapped. No idea how the tune got there or where it came from. But everytime I caught myself humming it I sighed, smiled and shook my head. "Take good care of my heart......" - right. I knew that at 15 I sang that to a boy somewhere that I just knew I was mad about. At 15 I was a hopeless romantic who believed every happily ever after story - Disney would write my great romance. But now, many years later, I think about how ridiculous it was to think that ANY human being would be able to take good care of my heart..... Let alone someone as young and as messed up as me. I get now that God placed that longing inside of all of us - for that complete love - so that HE could take that place. So He could hold our hearts. And it only took me 25 years and lots of heartache to see that God is the very best part of every relationship I have now - ESPECIALLY my marriage.

But here's why I thought it was blog worthy. Do you think it's possible to communicate any part of that to young women and men in their teens? As my nieces and nephews approach this age, I am longing for a way to share with them and maybe help them understand that God takes care of my heart even when my husband is the love of my life. Are they doomed to trial and error like I was? Is sharing with them what I've learned going to fall on deaf ears? Or maybe I just need to be praying and make sure that I'm asking God to take good care of their hearts until they can take care of their own....

Job

2011-05-05T09:50:00.003-04:00

I heard a great message delivered by David Platt to his congregation in Birmingham, Alabama. Their area has been ravaged by the tornadoes that we've seen on the news recently. What a difficult message that must have been to deliver or even to come up with since so many in their faith family were hurting and experiencing devastating loss.

His message was on Job, the ultimate example of the sufferer. Job - the man who never knew about that conversation between God and Satan that resulted in his loss of so much. From Job's perspective, he loses everything and is given no purpose in it. There's no indication that Job ever knows about that conversation between God and Satan. He loses loved ones and property and even his health and then the loss of support from his wife and his friends. Those calling him friends go on and on for endless chapters doubting that he is faultless in his pain. Then in chapter 40 God speaks. He is poised to answer the question of why we humans must suffer and why bad things happen to good people and ...................... God proceeds to respond by asking 60-some questions of Job. He doesn't answer. The answer is this - He is God and He was with Job through all of it. The supreme God of the Universe who omnisciently knows all the answers, does not answer with the kind of answers we want. He answers with Himself.

And that got me thinking. My whole spiritual journey has led to that same point. I sought concrete answers for so long. I want to know exactly the answer to this theological controversy or that. Why did I have to go through this hardship or that one? And then not so long ago, I stopped needing answers in the way I once imagined an answer. What I longed for more than anything was His Power and His Presence in my world and in me. At first I thought I might be compromising in some way - maybe I was broken. But the longer this goes, the more REAL answers I get. The peace that He is giving me is far beyond anything I had when I got the answers. I am so grateful that He knows better than I do PRECISELY what I need. His Power, Presence and Grace are more than enough.

Resonance

2011-05-05T09:12:00.003-04:00

Merriam Webster defines resonance as a quality of evoking a response. I once saw someone liken our relationship with God in terms of resonance and the comparison stuck with me. They invited a singer on stage to sing a strong C note. As that singer sang that note the camera zoomed in and showed the strings of the nearby grand piano. And as that singer belted out the C note, that C string on the piano recognized its own and ever so slightly vibrated. I was fascinated. But even more so with the application to our relationship with God. When we are pressed into God and the Holy Spirit is moving in us and Christ is in us working freely to shine through us, as God does His work around us, that resonates in us and evokes a response. In other words, we know it's God and we MUST act. I heard a wonderful reminder of that several days ago.

My thirteen year old niece, Molly attended a weekend retreat at her church where the theme was "Hearing from God." The larger group gathered together in preparation for some outreach opportunities at local stores and they were asked to spend some time in prayer asking God to give them an idea of what they were supposed to do or look for as they spent their time serving. Kids were supposed to keep an open mind and see if God gave them a specific picture or words or directions about what they would find while serving. When they were done with their group prayer, they spent some time praying alone and then listening to God. Molly came away from that time with a vivid picture of a man helping an elderly man. When Molly related this to her mom, I can tell you my sister was skeptical. Really? Would God give a picture like that?Sounded - well, weird.

Well, the youth group headed out to the Giant Eagle to purchase some supplies and as they were headed back out into the parking lot, Molly stopped. There in front of her were two men - an elderly man being helped out of the car by another younger man. She quickly grabbed the arm of a friend, told her about the picture God gave her and asked her to go with her. They walked over to the men and asked if they needed any help and made some small talk. Then they asked if there was anything that they could pray about for them. And the man's response? "Well it's strange that you should ask that. We found out today that my son was killed in Afghanistan." The girls prayed with the men and were moved to tears.

I'm moved to tears even retelling that. God resonated in the heart of my dear young niece. She was tuned in to His divinely sung note - when He gave her that picture, when she saw those men, and when she obeyed His request. My sister spoke the words that I'm sure many parents long to say, "God talked to my baby today." But do you know that it's even better than that? For all of us? He talks to us EVERY single day. ALL THE TIME. But we don't hear because we aren't in tune with the note He's singing in our lives. We aren't talking to Him or studying His Words to us. The best part of what happened to Molly was not that He spoke to her. It was that she knew Him, was pressed into Him, and loved His voice so much that she knew her Jesus was speaking into her life and using her to heal another hurting soul. I long for that for all of us.

Some thinking

2011-03-24T11:14:00.003-04:00

I've been inundated in the last few months with the concept of salvation - when it happens, how it happens, how we can tell if it has happened. Seems like everywhere I turn another source is showing me a different facet - something I hadn't thought about, a question I had never considered. These are things that I have always thought were black and white. I might have run from these discussions at an earlier time - fearful or insecure that someone might shake my resolve. But I've been finding that God has graciously given me a peace about approaching the discussions and even about the unresolved questions they bring up.

Perhaps you have heard about the New York Times Best Seller, Radical, by David Platt, pastor of a large church in Birmingham, Alabama. Last week our small group hit chapter seven where he suggests that there are a billion people who have never heard of the name of Jesus and these people are condemned to hell if we don't do obediently answer the call of the Great Commission. Platt suggests that many of us don't actively believe in universalism but we act like we do when we ignore that millions of people haven't heard the gospel.

Then I read something about this new book - not even released yet - by Rob Bell, pastor of a Michigan megachurch, called Love Wins. Early reviews of the book have brought a firestorm of criticism about his views on universalism. From the reviews, it appears he questions the consequences of a life lived in denial of Jesus Christ. That not as many are going to hell as we think.

As one of my earlier posts eluded to, I don't love having my long held beliefs shaken or even challenged. Seems the older I get, the more God places those situations in my path. Strangely, the Holy Spirit has been giving me a calm in inquiring, pondering and discovering. I've thought a lot about this over the last several months. I seem to have reached a point in reading about theologies where I don't need to agree with them to garner nuggets of usefulness for my spiritual journey.

Is it naive to feel that God is giving me a peace in NOT knowing the answer? Is it in humility that I am accepting these things or ignorance? I think this is a growing maturity - peace in fleshing out the details and feeling confident in the God I serve to allow those other perspectives in and in the end finding that I trust in Him enough to not know the answer.

One thing I know for certain, is that I don't want myself so wrapped up in holding on tightly to beliefs I've always known that I'm afraid for them to be tested. For years I lived there and I had a faith that I couldn't share as easily. God is bigger than that and He can handle the scrutiny. That is something I can't help but share.

KAIROS of Ohio

2011-03-14T19:18:00.005-04:00

I was recently witness to something that has left me without adequate words to explain. But because of it's power and impact, I have to try. So here goes.

My dad began talking about prison ministry over a year ago when he signed up for participation in a correspondence bible study program. He didn't talk about it much - I had to ask him to tell me about it, which is weird. My dad is a talker and he likes to tell his daughters about things that are going on with him. Once I asked, he was more than happy to share. Then shortly before Christmas I heard a mention of him participating in something bigger - a different program. Not written - a visit to the prison. Once again, he didn't talk about it that much or make a big thing of it, which again is strange because we are a talking family. So in the beginning of February when I began hearing about the scope of this new endeavor, we all started to see the effect it was having on my dad. This was big. Bigger than he'd let on. He would be part of a team of men going into the prison from Thursday evening through Sunday night (staying at a nearby church at night) ministering to 30 some prisoners in a medium to high security facility. It would require 30 hours of training leading up to the weekend, serious prayer commitment, posters and placemats made, and 150 dozen cookies. KAIROS is known throughout the country for their cookies. Check it out online and you'll find references to KAIROS cookies. They take cookies into the facility and every resident and staff member gets at least 2 dozen homemade cookies from KAIROS with a hand delivered blessing from God.

Hearing about the cookies was the first inkling I had to the impact of this adventure. My dad and NOT my mom had not signed up for this. And I still wish I had been there to see when Dad first told her that this was a confirmed requirement. 150 dozen cookies. Seriously. I'm surprised she didn't kawhomp him with a frying pan - or a cookie sheet. My mom LOVES being inconvenienced for something my dad has planned..... ;) reunions, dinners, business trips.... yikes. She loves my dad but she doesn't hold back the fury. And I'll bet this was a doozey at first :) But strangely, by the time I talked to her, she had found some peace about it. My sisters and I prayed hard that week. Eventually we found that she wasn't mad - overwhelmed maybe - but totally acknowledging that God was in control of this and He was calling them to get involved with a church body. Still very hesitant to ask for help, though. By the following week she was determined and with some help from my sister, her family and a friend, and the strength of the Holy Spirit to keep them going, she was astounded that they had nearly enough baked already. They were both surprised that I had friends from church and bible studies that would be willing to commit to pray and bake cookies without even knowing my parents! Not out of obligation but willingness to serve God. God was speaking in every offered prayer and cookie.

When I headed up to Ohio to drop off the cookies at the end of February, I was listening and practicing our reflection song for the upcoming week's worship. The bridge says, "send us out to be, your hands and feet" over and over. And I got all teary, that more than anyone in our family, my father was obeying that call from God - sent out to be His hands and feet. And that lives would be changed that weekend for the glory of God. My dad was truly doing something radical that could result in the gospel going forth to all the world. Who sees that kind of change in their parents in their life? My parents gave us a tremendous hunger for the Word of God and were experiencing that unsettling feeling that God wasn't done. He wanted them to share from their overflow of blessing. How awesome that Kairos is the Greek word meaning a moment or undetermined period of time in which something special happens. It wasn't just the weekend that was turning out to be special. Something bigger was happening. To my dad and my mom and even to our whole family.

So it's finally Sunday afternoon and mom and I pull up to the entrance to Trumbull Correctional Institute at nearly the same time and drove into the parking lot. I had been looking forward to this time for nearly 6 weeks and it had finally arrived. I was not even a little apprehensive - was I just weird? Mom caught me up on dad's recent phone calls. Everything he had to say was positive. His host at TCI was talkative and receptive. It was strange deciding what to wear to avoid metal of any kind but I guess I did okay. No beeping as I passed through the metal detector. We waited with a bunch of folks to make the walk over to the gymnasium where the ceremony would take place.

So much about the ceremony was familiar. It was a gym, filled with 200-250 folding chairs, a podium, a microphone, a songbook of praise lyrics. It was so hard to remember that the men that sat in the rows just in front (previous graduates of KAIROS) were incarcerated for some serious things. It was far easier to remember that they were praising God with me as brothers in Christ.

My life has been so unreasonably blessed that so much of this took time to process. Every single solitary celebratable event in my life was met with smiles, love, food, and proud hugs from my father and mother and sisters and as much extended family as would fit in the house. Birthdays, graduations, new jobs, promotions, anniversaries. As these men walked in to all of us singing "When the Saints Come Marching In" maybe that was the most celebration that any of them had ever enjoyed in support of something they did. I recalled how shocking it was as a teacher in a school of at risk children to learn that so many of my students had parents who cared so little about how they were doing in school. Many of those kids could have grown up into these men. Never celebrated. Never encouraged. So it wasn't hard to smile at them. It wasn't hard to clap until your hands hurt. It was awfully hard not to hug them. These guys - no matter where this weekend landed them on the spectrum were moving toward receiving the gift of salvation. They were on their way. And some of them were now my brothers. I wanted to whoop like we were at a Steeler's game. But I didn't. :) I thought they might remove me.... :)

I have to tell you the truth. The thing that packed the biggest wallop was my dad. And that surprised me. Just to give you a background, my father has no tolerance for misbehavior. Little tolerance for arrogance and swagger. Frankly, sassing was one fast way to get him riled up when I was a kid - heck, it still works today. Disrespect from the grandkids even unsettles him. So this was a little weird - these guys had swagger to spare. I guess part of me held my breath a little. Residents were not to thank the volunteers. No performances. Keep it short. They had rules and they were just dying to break them. :) I kind of wondered what he thought when they danced across the line of the rules. I saw some inkling that he at least noticed. But as we talked later, over dinner, I would find out that he had none of the reactions I expected. His love for Jesus and these men had made all of that intolerance fly right out the window. More than anything, as I saw him talk about these men, I saw in my father gentleness, compassion, and tenderness. And while I never doubted the love of my dad once in life, I was floored by this. He had learned so much about what brought these men to this point and had come to grips with his own sinful nature to such a degree, that there was now no condemnation in him for them. I was truly seeing the reflection of my savior in my earthly dad. Praise God....

Ironically, peer pressure appeared to spur many of the men to get up and talk. A few whoops and hollers from their fellow residents and they would give. And while on the surface it looked, well - like peer pressure, I've laughed since then thinking - what the heck! When has peer pressure ever resulted in something so good in their lives?? Go, peer pressure!!!! They still had to get up there and say something..... And speak they did.

I cried a lot less than I expected. I guess a part of me expected heartfelt confessions and tearfully empassioned testimony. But in the hours since, I have thought a lot about what I heard and what I didn't hear that night. These men have spent lifetimes guarding their feelings and afraid of being vulnerable. And placing the words they shared in that context changes everything. "I have a lot to think about." "I've never felt more love than I did from these total strangers." "I need Jesus." "I don't want to forget how I feel." "I love these guys." That is powerful when you consider what their default behavior and feelings probably would be. And who they've had to be to survive - in life and in prison. Those words aren't just surprising - they're supernatural.

But surprisingly, this wasn't what broke my heart either. There is a video that plays in my head.

Part 1 - Levort Block was my dad's host for the weekend. I see my dad straining as Levort walks in. Dad's neck literally looks longer trying to find Levort. Daddy excitedly points him out to us - he has a ballcap on. Levort doesn't see him. Levort's not very tall and he wanders to a seat in the far back - nearly as far away from us as possible. And as everyone else settles and quiets, Levort calls out and waves to my dad. And my dad - the guy who never likes to do anything that might make him look like a rule breaker or embarrass himself- shoots his hand up and I'm pretty sure I'd swear yells something out...... what the heck... :)

Part 2 - Levort walks up to the mic during their open mic time and says some words. He's not to thank anyone. But at one point he stops looks at Daddy and thanks his sponsor and holds out his hand in dad's direction. I turn to Daddy and his hand is over his mouth and his reddened eyes are looking down. Having a hard time keeping it together. This man has touched the heart of my father.

Part 3 - The program is over and everyone visiting the prison is asked to leave. It's not a request. We have to go. So we stand up and move across the room. Daddy hesitates from his stormtrooper walk. He stands on his toes and strains his neck again to see if he can find Levort. My father simply cannot leave that room without saying goodbye to Levort. And despite knowing what he's done, my dad wants - no needs him to meet my mom and I. Daddy introduces us. We shake his hand with smiles and warmth and love - I restrain my desire to hug this man who has given my father such a gift. Daddy hugs him and we leave. My dad has been moved by the supernatural power of the Spirit.

And if all that isn't enough, Daddy has committed to attending the KAIROS night on Thursdays at the prison, over an hour away from home. At first he thought it just might be a couple of times but after this last Thursday, he knows that it is just as important as the time he spent with the residents over that weekend. My dad is mentoring and discipling. Somehow, as his daughter and a woman who proudly bears the seal of the Spirit in part due to the kind of father he is, I can think of no better way to honor Jesus Christ than for him to use his gift of leadership and love to mentor another child in our royal family.... My dad has love to spare and so does our Heavenly Father. To God be the Glory.

Radical

2011-02-07T15:38:00.000-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoicm4wnQ4c&feature=player_embedded

I just began reading this book by David Platt, and with only the first chapter under my belt, I have so much to consider. You want challenging?…this book is it. It is so challenging that one quote from the front of the book (where one generally finds rave reviews), Russell D. Moore warns that while some books are commended, saying ”you won’t want to put it down” the enemy is begging for us to put this book down. And you may feel compelled to listen. It’s hard and already uncomfortable but surprisingly resonates so true so in the pursuit of truth you read on. Apart from the power of Christ in me, this call is completely unreasonable. But it begs me to contemplate how simple it would be to be radical in the culture. The way we live is so much in opposition to so much of what Jesus called us to practice. And yet, my life is NOT radical right now and it makes me long for and pray for that change to His glory – not just in me but in all Christians.

The Small Stuff

2011-02-07T10:39:00.002-05:00

Have you ever felt like you are having a terrible day when everything just refuses to go the way you planned? We all have those days when Murphy’s Law seems to trump everything.

My sister, Emily called me last week to chat and her first words were, “I’m having the worst day ever.” She was on her way home midday, driving a co-worker’s car so she could get an extra set of keys and then return to work to unlock her own vehicle, having spent 90 minutes in transit. Her day had already been a string of unfortunate mishaps and inconveniences when she quickly stopped in the restroom. All was going fine until she slung her purse over her shoulder and the keys sailed across the small space and plopped into the bowl……..of an already mid-flushing toilet. And all the keys, several metal keychains among them, disappeared into the great unknown…. REALLY – HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN! A visit to the janitor deepened her frustration as he tried to retrieve them with a magnetic snake apparatus all the while sharing his astonishment that she saw the keys and still flushed. She tried to make him understand it didn’t happen that way. But what was the use? The outcome was the same…..

So she called me to pass the time. I was glad. It gave me the chance to talk to her about the book she loaned me, Choosing to See by MaryBeth Chapman, wife of Steven Curtis Chapman and mother of Maria Sue, tragically lost in an accident in their driveway in May of 2008. I was surprised Emily had been able to get through the book as the mother of twin seven year olds. We talked about how real MaryBeth Chapman was and how frank she was about her struggles with things not going according to plan and her walk with God before and through the grief. And at one point my sister stopped. “God had me call you for just this. This truly is nothing like a bad day. He needed to remind me of that.”

Later she called me and laughed. She heard this song and it gave even further meaning to her day. God is so good to speak to us, through all the stuff. Even the little stuff.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pqqdA8LHN7I

The Real Church

2011-01-24T09:37:00.002-05:00

It seems that wherever I am, I keep hearing conversations, messages or dialogue that center around what the church was designed by God to be versus what it has been made into by man. Last week I listened to some teaching that the Greek word for church used in the New Testament was the word EKKLESIA – translated church, but more accurately translated congregation.

And there you have it. Somewhere along the way, we humans made church into a building or a series of rituals or any number of other things. But it appears that all along the church was supposed to be a who rather than a what.

That has been a progression for me as an individual, which is likely why it strikes such a chord. As a young Christian, it was much easier to put the “what” of church in a box. It could be put away Sunday afternoon and pulled out of its box on various weekdays to take part in my life as I desired. Something I did because I knew I should because it made my life better and something I could check off on a list.

But who changes everything. Congregations are people. And being part of a living, breathing organism must change who I am. It makes me accountable. It motivates me to grow and share and build. Memorial Park Church is that kind of church - people who make up the family of God with a common love for Jesus. Not a building or a place or even limited to people you see on Sunday morning but a living, changing, growing group of people bound by love and sharing it with everyone possible . I know it’s been said before but changes like this seem big and exciting and remind me that when our God moves in ways this big, grab hold of something because it’s going to be a wild ride. I simply cannot wait to see what is next for His People – His Church…….

Farewell, Gibson

2010-12-20T04:31:00.002-05:00

Saturday we did the hardest thing we've ever had to do in our lives. We took Gibson in to the vet and didn't bring him home. I can't really write more of it yet but it was the right thing and the worst thing and both Bob and I hurt so much it feels like it won't ever heal. I keep praying that God takes away that image of her carrying away that lifeless body when moments before I was hugging that soft, snuggly, quivering creature who was counting on me to take care of him......

I know my God

2010-12-10T03:39:00.002-05:00

God has been with us and answered my prayers over the last few days. Gibson is responding to the medication and we have enjoyed the last few days with him and hope to have some more to come. I don't know how many we'll get but God has answered that prayer too - I'm just taking things a day at a time. Enjoying hearing him continue to try and bark, relishing as he fusses over his guests, eats like a king, and taking in every snuggle.

At one point I was pretty devastated because even in my dog loving family, we believed God's silence on what happened to our pets meant that once they were gone, they were gone. That's no consolation to a childless couple whose only babies are their dependent pets. I was talking to my sister - the one I call when I need the truth delivered. Everyone must have an Emily - someone who gives it to you straight with no sugar. And I received a different message than I expected. And although I'm taking liberties, this is what she said:

"So you don't have any verses that are easy to cling to. There are a lot of specific things that the Bible is silent about. What you do now is look at the character of the God you know. That should be enough. He redeems His creation to Himself. And in fact and in practice, your dog is His creation, in so many ways designed carefully by Him and in this case, especially yours."

She's right. The book of Esther has no mention of the name of God, yet His handprint is all over ever word of the book in lives of those people. God's all over this too and although I don't know specifics, I know God loves His creation and the dying it experiences was brought about by sin that His creation didn't choose, all the more reason to believe in its perfect restoration.

A day at a time

2010-12-07T03:12:00.003-05:00

I realized something about myself last night. My inability to live in the present really is crippling sometimes.

I suppose I've always known that I mull over the past and overplan the future. As a result, I spend a lot of time overthinking words I've said or situations in which I wished I'd done something different. Conversely, I spend just as much, if not more time worrying about the future. Really overridden with anxiety and dread sometimes. Like now.

While Bob - a very "in the moment" sort of guy - spends the time we have left with Gibson enjoying him, I could very well waste the time sobbing over what I'm going to do without him.

But then, isn't that how God must see my every days? He wants me to live with his daily manna. I know He's going to give me enough to get me through. Enough to have joy in a moment. Enough to have some of the most memorable times with my dog even now while he's sick.

For people who don't have dogs and don't get dog lovers, this parallel with my relationship to God may seem trite. But I believe with all my heart that He put Gibson in my life to not only teach me patience and kindness but to model the kind of unconditional love that He offers us. It really never matters how selfish I am - Gibson loves me anyway. It never matters that I've got no time for him and that he is on my last nerve - he loves me just the same. And sought me out to love me just the same the same as if I opened my arms.

Jesus didn't spend his 33 years of life mourning his eventual death. He lived and lived so fully that it serves as a template to all of us. A life full of joy and meaning. I need to live that way right now and it's going to take some work. I could pray that Gibson will be healed but that doesn't seem likely and I can't know if that's God's will for us. But I can pray with full confidence, knowing that He will answer, for the peace that comes with His sufficiency to meet the need of my day each morning. With joy and peace and love. I know He wants that. He wants that for me now when it's hard and He wants that for me for always.

Gibson

2010-12-07T02:48:00.004-05:00

When I first began blogging, it was in memorial to my grandmother, the summer before she passed away. The reactivation of the blog seemed this time to not be connected to sadness and death.

But yesterday morning I took my beagle Gibson to the vet because while still energetic as a goofball, had been laboring in his breath since Friday night. The news was not good. All indications point to lung cancer and the prognosis is bleak - they hope he'll make it to Christmas. Seems crazy and unfair and just horribly sad.

Yesterday was relatively terrible. Not for him. He's still bopping around because he can't understand vet language. I'm sure he doesn't get while I'm crying all the time either. I called my pet loving family on both sides and they were devastated too.

You see, Gibson was the first real commitment for Bob and I. 13 years ago we got engaged in September and in March we picked up a new 6 week old puppy that never made it back home. We picked him out when he was still very tiny and allowed to stay inside but he was the offspring of two hunting dogs (Hook and Juliette) and was sent back to living in a run with a little warming room. It was winter and so cold and at least one puppy had died already when it wandered out into the run. So we got our vet's okay to keep him and he never lived outside again. He's come a long way since then sleeping on a memory foam mattress between the two of us for the last near 13 years...... :)

Bob wasn't a dog person. His sister had a beagle when she lived at home but they hadn't grown up with dogs. So I don't think he realized when I asked him to come with me to see them after they were born that there was no way we'd come home without picking one out. He was hooked by that furry little poofball from the very beginning. We picked him because he was the most uniquely marked of all them - all dark on his back. His name was Dagny (girl dog name) from that time until we took him to the vet and Dr. Childress told us she was a he :).

So I guess for a time, I'll record some of these stories of the life and time of the very best friend a couple could ever have. I can promise you that as I write these, I will be sad and probably sobbing but writing them is my way of celebrating his life.

Unreasonable

2010-12-04T10:48:00.004-05:00

This week I read a review of Matthew 10:8b "freely you received, freely give" that noted that the word for freely is also translated unreasonably. Unreasonable service. Interesting.

For so much of my early adult life, I didn't get service. I knew I should want to serve out of my love for Jesus but that wasn't where my desire to participate in service projects came from. I thought it would be fun and personally fullfilling and deep down, I knew I'd feel pretty good when I saw how others viewed me.

As my relationship with Christ has grown, serving has certainly felt different. My desire to serve comes from a near urgency to share the overflow in my heart of what God has given me. It is amazing how God has changed my motivations and yet far exceeds the benefits I youthfully and naively calculated.

As we enter a universal season of giving, as Christians, we are challenged to make the giving different. Unreasonable service and giving motivated by an unreasonable grace from our Father. May this be the message we deliver.

Challenging my faith

2010-12-04T10:18:00.004-05:00

I have an old friend that has been testing the waters of faith for several months now. She lives in Texas and our contact has mostly been through a social networking site but several nights ago, I took the leap and asked her outright where she was in her faith and with God. She shared her story and in turn, I shared mine. I was so excited.

Then I did a little research into a book she had connected with. I had intended to read it so we could have a dialogue and the more I read about the book, the more my heart sunk. I noticed a feeling like panic and I began to struggle with the idea of reading the book. So I prayed about it and talked to a few friends. I looked deep inside to find out why the idea of reading it was bothering me. And the answers weren't pretty. I know I have a non-negotiable belief in the God-breathed Scriptures but I think deep down, I'm scared of reading something challenging that makes sense. I'm afraid of my own gullibility. But even more, I am underestimating the power of the Holy Spirit to give me discernment. In this case, I am pleading with Jesus as that father of the sick child did - "I believe! Please help my unbelief!" I still don't know if I'll read the book so I'll keep parying for surety of faith and confidence in God and wisdom. I KNOW that He is sufficient for every need.

And I'm back!

2010-12-04T06:10:00.002-05:00

Well, in May I decided I couldn't keep up with the blog and that it was doing more to distract than help. Surprise! God has brought me back here. And so much has happened in the last few months.

We have returned to Iron City Church. The old pastor has departed to build another church and a new pastor arrived. In September, much to our sadness, Memorial Park terminated their Sunday 10:15am Contemporary service. This left us looking for a church again. So we headed back one week to hear our two friends preach one week. From then on it was clear that God wanted us back at ICC with a new pastor that has a completely pure vision for ICC - one that is following in the direction of God - not of men. Although it has still been tough as some wounds have only surface healing.

Fortunately, God has also been hard at work to keep us connected with Memorial Park. One connection that has remained is what prompted my reopening of the blog - the Noble Mind Community. It is the online community for MPC and the coordinator has asked me to be a regular contributor. It is very exciting and probably more intimidating than it should be. This blog should help me to sort out some of the thoughts coursing through my scattered brain so I can send them a few posts each week. Please pray that I'll let it be exactly what God has planned for it.

Goodbye Blog

2010-05-23T20:14:00.003-04:00

After much thought and some prayer on this, I've decided to stop blogging. When I started it, I was very enthusiastic. I have always loved to write and to create an online journal made sense. However there is one piece of this that never worked - other people reading it. Don't get me wrong - I liked that and found it exciting and there is even a person I would never have met any other way. But it put limits on my writing that cramped this as a real outlet for my journalling. I am the first one to admit that I don't mind being fussed over and paid attention - not sure that's a good thing. I want people to like me. And unfortunately, this is a part of my life that I think is better to remain personal so my pride doesn't get out of whack. I've found myself returning to my hand written journal recently because my computer is better left to work related things. If I use the computer to journal the line gets pretty blurred. Simplicity - a spiritual discipline that I'm rather bad at. I will continue to read the blogs of others and maybe will someday return to it..... but at the moment this is an end to an era. I was also a little uneasy about losing track of all the writing I had done with it. Perhaps that is the old fashioned part of me that feels that if I can't touch it, it isn't real. SO!!! I've printed off my 100+ pages of blogged material to file away with the rest of my journalling volumes. Goodbye bloggy friends as a writer. This has been fun but it's back to basics for me.

Funny nostalgia.....

2010-04-30T19:51:00.002-04:00

I was just thinking....Years and years ago when I was dating I had the hardest time. Bad things would happen in my relationships: deception, serial cheating, realizing the guy had no moral compass, "I just don't love you", etc., etc., etc. Ugly. And as smart as I claimed to be in other areas, I was like a dog with a rotten bone. I could never let go. I was thinking (while cutting the grass ;) that I so much wanted to do the smart thing but this part of me just couldn't let it go. I wanted to keep at it - keep trying. I hated it about myself and alternately talked about it like I was proud of it because I could never really figure that part of me out. I stuck around for stuff I should NEVER have put up with. And while I WOULD NOT recommend it and hope desperately that my nieces have a much greater sense of themselves in Christ, something occurred to me. But for all that stubborness and belief that things would get better if we tried harder, Bob and I would never have made it through the bad stuff. The exact thing that I look back with distaste on is the very preservative that God gave me to hang in there when things went south of ugly in my marriage. God is so very good.

Bob's Struggle with Becoming an Ex-smoker

2010-04-10T22:25:00.004-04:00

So with the official break in the weather and God's amazing grace, my life has improved so dramatically over the last several weeks that it is beyond words. He broke the anxiety in half. He gave me the chance to heal by singing at Memorial Park. He gave us an awesome albeit short night at Nemacolin for a marriage seminar. He gave me a recommitted spirit to the Breaking Free study. He gave me the amazing gift of Bob's testimony on Easter. He gave me a wonderful weekend with Ben. This last month has been everything that the previous 6 plus weeks were not.

So after writing all that when I think about how God can work in both Bob and I while he quits smoking..... I guess we don't have much to worry about..... :)

Anxiety

2010-02-13T07:58:00.003-05:00

Another thing we talked about this week during Breaking Free was how arrogance or pride dethrones God. Anxiety does too. It supposes that God is NOT in control. It sees situations and problems as some potential disaster with no solution. It considers NONE of the power that Christ has in our lives or that God has a purpose for those situations that is growing or teaching or some other positive thing like refinement. It's actually not that far from arrogance. The arrogance of leaving God OUT of the picture of you life and supposing that it is something you have to deal with alone and in your own control. And THAT is horrifying when you aren't fully resting in faith.

Right now, for some crazy reason, we are dealing with a lot of difficulties that are really pushing us to faith that He has a plan - not to harm but to prosper. We have not fallen completely off the cliff but let's just say I'm seeing over the edge and it's a long way down and the footing isn't great. I am SOOOOOO much the anxious worrier. In the last 10 days I have found myself just overcome with anxiety on several occasions - possibly even constantly in the pit of my stomach. I don't know why more now than any other time but I seem less equipped to handle it. First Bob was consoling and then he even has panicked - which was an even bigger test for me. I'm praying more and asking for prayer. Praying for wisdom. Praying for peace. Crying out to Him that I know we made the bed we're in financially but we want very desperately to honor Him with our decisions and actions now. Ironically that was another big lesson I learned this week from bible study. God still listens when we're in the middle of reaping what we sow. I'm crying out to Him now. Please Father, lead us to the ways that will give you the glory that we didn't show you so long with finances. We are completely unable to do it without you. In Jesus Name, Amen.

My gifts

2010-02-11T10:18:00.005-05:00

Just wanted to share something that occured to me while working on my homework this morning in Breaking Free. Those exact same things that for years I have felt like God blessed me with - organization, administration, some smarts, words, and even caring about people ARE EXACTLY the things that get me into trouble with pride and judgment and criticism. In working on the homework this first week I was struck by how many kings succumbed to pride. They got confused with God giving THEM things. They thought those things were theirs to keep. And when they kept them they spoiled. Grew rotten. So for me when I think that those things God blessed me with that make me DENA are mine, I turn them into pride and then judgment and criticism. Like when one of the doctors calls me and adds a bunch of things to a growing list that I feel is becoming overwhelming, my pride is damaged because I can't be superwoman - I can't be perfect. And so then I get judgmental and critical and defensive and anxious. God didn't give me those things because I earned them or because He likes me more. HE GAVE THEM TO ME SO HE COULD SHINE A LIGHT THROUGH THAT CRACKED CLAY POT!!!! They don't define me - THEY DEFINE HIM AND THEY WILL ALWAYS BE ENOUGH. I need to give those things back to Him so He can redeem them to His glory. Father God, forgive me for being so selfish with things you have given me and are doing in me.

Random thoughts

2010-02-10T08:10:00.003-05:00

- We are getting hammered by snow. These are pictures from the first storm and we are in the midst of getting another 10 inches. Then we get a reprieve until the end of the weekend before another storm hits.

- I've had some remarkable email exchanges with Bob over the last few days. One followed an update email I got from Truth for Life. It specifically talked about reaching unbelievers with the Truth - sound doctrinal teaching. And I thought a lot about the disunity that I've experienced in the last 2 years. Some of it caused me pain because there were those at ICC that criticized churches that teach as "information without transformation." It made my history of relationship with Jesus feel insufficient and I did a lot of second guessing in the last few years. HOWEVER, I am realizing now that this is just one of the tools that Satan uses to create dissonance. It's subtle but really destructive. The churches that I've been part of ALL believed that they were reaching the unsaved - some used service and others used the Word of God. The churches that I have been part of ALL believed that the Holy Spirit was at work - but He works in MANY different ways. One church emphasized one thing, another a different thing and both churches contained folks that criticized the methodology of the others. That criticism is not from God on either side. There is no room for it. I don't think anyone or any church has a lock on the balance that God seeks for the church right now. Equal parts saving the lost and growing in the grace and knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ with a good dose of worshipful praise and in depth analysis of the Word of Truth. I wish I would have had this kind of objective view of this while I was experiencing it. Would have prevented my disappointment and disillusionment. But He's teaching me and I'm grasping a little at a time.

- Another email was clarification of the David and Bathsheba story which was kind of funny. He read a part wrong (although I can understand why he thought it) and thought Bathsheba's mom was involved too. The story is dycfunctional enough :)!

- Our Beth Moore study, Breaking Free started last week. I read a post a few moments ago from my friend at Susanz Place (see blog to the left) that reinforces that what I've been feeling like God wants to work on me about is my judgmental and critical spirit. Oddly that isn't the source. It's the expectations I have of people and how they devolve into criticism. Ugh and ouch. I so don't want to be that person anymore and the only I hope I have is Jesus Christ. Pretty big rock to stand on. My hope is big - which is good because so is my problem.

Reflections from a weekend full of love

2010-02-01T15:34:00.005-05:00

- Gracie was AWESOME. We had a blast and I will never forget what fun it was to spend time with the youngest Kimpton. We underestimate her. She was tremendous help all weekend - practically making all the lasagna, playing the computer to keep herself occupied, always remembering how to feed the pets or let out Buddy, scanning the groceries.

-Goofy conversation with Gracie at midnight to 2am while we drove home to the light of the full moon! So long since I was up at that time!

- She is capable of more than she probably gets to do because she's the youngest. I told Em she was born to be an only child :)

- "there were quite a lot of people in there" who says that at 6? :)

- I was so sad that she has such serious separation anxiety. In my typical fashion, I wanted to just fix it. But she was eventually okay going to Sunday school because a wonderful teacher stuck close to her.

- Finding the hot cocoa in the aisle was so fun! We bought the single packet and shared it after taking a shower and playing a game together in our pjs.

- She snuggled Gibson all under the covers when she went to bed and was sad that Buddy didn't join them too :)

- Emily and I had so much fun talking. Emily asked if I felt like when we got together - us or with Carrie or by herself with Mom if we practically ran out of breath saying all the things we don't get to say other times.

- Emily - "Are you going to at least put eyeliner on?" Ah yeah smarty, I just got up at oh-dark-thirty to work some before coming up to go with you to your dr's appt and thought I'd put it on in the car :)

- Laughed so many times. It was great seeing Sheri too - she's still as funny as ever.

- Awesome concert at Winter Jam 2010 - Third Day, Tenth Avenue North, Fireflight, Thousand Foot Krutch (can't believe my mom endured that one :)), Sidewalk Prophets, Robert Pierre, Revive. Just an excellent evening!

Only thing that would have made it better was having Carrie there. Good stuff. God stuff.

A God Friend

2010-01-27T08:42:00.002-05:00

There are good friends and best friends and family friends and sort of friends and great friends but there is something VERY special about a God friend. I'm sure I'm using my own definition for this so let me explain. Friends that didn't come about by proximity or age or a shared education or a person in common - but a friend that only God could deliver to your doorstep while your jaw dropped to the ground as you realized the amazing package He left there. A few of you reading this ARE God friends. People who stumbled on my blog by accident and I read yours and you read mine. Crazy.

Betty is like that. I work with Betty. And let me explain that because it's more complicated than that. I talk to Betty on the phone because she is the MRI tech that scans people in South Texas and my doctors in Boston and Miami read those cases for her boss, an orthopaedic surgeon. So I've never met Betty in person - probably never will. But one day, she said something about God or Jesus and although I cannot remember I'm sure it kind and warm and completely unashamed - because that is how Betty is. Sweetest soul I've never met :). I have been profoundly touched by her and her model for loving people is exceptional. And HER TOTAL COMMITMENT to sharing Christ in the workplace has changed me. Her encouragement has brought me to tears as one day she asked if we could pray for a coworker. And one day last year, she asked if we could pray right there over the phone for Joel and Mark - a thought that I'm ashamed to say had NEVER occured to me. She has changed me. God has spoken through her so many times I can't even count. I think of her outside of work and she inspires me at the craziest of times. And she's helped me learn that I can't separate my work from God. And she was there in my head when I told Mark I'd be praying for him with all the crises in his life - because I couldn't do anything else that I could think of that would mean so much.

And I will never meet her this side of eternity. But she has touched me and through her encouragement and mentorship, she was who God used to teach me and change me. WHAT A BLESSING!!! I will never get over that He loves me so much to do all of that for me.

An interesting week

2010-01-22T23:53:00.002-05:00

So many feelings this week. All of them varying degrees of struggle. I nearly cried myself all through church on Sunday feeling overwhelmed with something that God was hinting to me. Last week at some point, I was overwhelmed to find out that a pastor whom I respect a great deal was diverging down a theological path that presented me with rethinking of 30-some years of teaching. Struggling with treating Gibson and Buddy fairly - letting them both know that I loved them. Found that the fish my mom gave me was injured and looked not so good. And Haiti has me wrought - I am in denial and I can't watch the news but I have thought so much about it in the last week my brain and heart hurt. Monday night I got the distinct impression that God has some specific plans in my greatest vulnerability. I don't know what that means but like Abraham, I'm saying yes. I don't know to what. Or where. Or how. Or who. But yes. I truly have no idea what it is. And I don't want to try and fake my way through an overblown spiritual experience so I'm not going to stare at it until it hatches. I'm just wanting to say yes.

My week got better. As with most things, the theological dilemma was less in reality than I had made it in my imaginations. Iron sharpened iron as Dad, Carrie, Emily and I all hashed through the information others graciously made available. I still feel like I am at a crossroads in so many ways and for the first time in my life, I'd like to close my eyes, take His arm and hum my way through the intersection until we get there. I do love you my Savior. I have no idea what you have in store but for the moment I have the greatest peace about going with you!

A New Family Member - Meet Buddy

2010-01-16T12:16:00.003-05:00

This here is our new family member, Buddy. He is a chubby 8 year old beagle who needed a new home. A year ago his mom died of cancer and the husband was going to give him to the pound and move away to Germany with his son. His groomer adopted him. Something then happened that his groomer and her two kids moved in with her mother who already had two big dogs - one who didn't take to Buddy and picked on him relentlessly. He was attacked by a neighbor dog sometime in the spring too. Sad lot of things happened to this guy in the last year. And Missie got a Facebook notice that he needed a home and sent the plea to us. Worth a shot. And Bob wanted him. Wanted him to have a shot at being loved like Gibby. Wanted him to have a peaceful life. So now, unbenounced to him, Buddy has moved into the Hilton for dogs. With no kids, they get our love.

Much like everyone BUT Gibson in this house, he needs to go on a diet. But he seems very relaxed so far. Slept well. He's very stiff and arthritic but we'll be going on walks now to loosen him up.

Some things about both are alike. Fortunately, they both beg in the same way - staring longingly at you while you eat.... :)

Gibson seems fine for now. You'd never know apart from his whiter face that he's the older of the two but I hope we can love him well enough that this changes. Slim down and loved up. That's the goal. Oh and this non-aggressive dog seems fine with Kivrin. I hope that continues too. She appropriately feels no threat from Buddy....

Time for a Change

2010-01-06T20:19:00.003-05:00

I know everyone on the planet is saying this but it's about time I make some changes to my health before God makes them for me. I know that God isn't hankering to just be a part of these changes - He's wanting to BE the changes. I don't know how this is going to play out but I will be praying about it and starting to really make the changes to be healthy. The motivation has to come from God. I finally felt better after a Christmas sickness to get back to the idea of working out. I had one disappointment that I can't even bear to write. And another when I caught my profile in the mirror. But I'm not going to get upset. I'm going to God. Praying for the motivation and making healthier choices for eating and exercise as a form of worship. I love you, Jesus and loving you is going to remind me to learn to take care of what you've given me with more responsibility.

My heart hurts, BUT GOD

2009-12-28T16:52:00.004-05:00

Things still sting. I still feel like there is an emptiness. I'm very emotional.

BUT GOD, has bigger plans for us. I know this because, we went to Memorial Park last week and I loved worship like I haven't loved it in awhile. And both of us had very emotional reactions to the worship music. It was me and God and the words on that screen and that's all I needed in those moments and it's all I could offer Him.

We're in the waiting room and He's asking us to stay there for awhile. And part of me wants to cry for my broken heart and another part wants to defend but neither are what God wants. I feel like God wants us to wait and pray and pray some more. I know He has plans for both of us and I know He uses things like this in mighty ways. I just want to make sure I'm listening. Intently.

Kind of an Earthquake of Change

2009-12-20T06:40:00.004-05:00

It's only been a bit less than a week and I don't even know where to begin. Bob resigned as worship leader last Sunday and I was in a verbal jousting match with a virtual stranger that end up skewering my vocals to the point it has me needing to take a break from singing so I can adjust.

Sounds simple until you factor in one part - God's people (including me and Bob) can royally (pun intended) screw up His plans. Let me just say that no one involved skirts fault in this - we all have our signature sins stamped all over it. No excuses but we were all up to our eyeballs in doing other things that some of the important stuff wasn't attended to. I've laughed at this over the last two years but ICC's sign, More Jesus Less Crap was what drew us. But it hadn't even launched then - so it was still true. Two years later, there's plenty of crap. God didn't design it as part of the church, we carried it in - on our shoes, in our purses, on our backs, when we walked in the door.

I'm tired over it but things are getting clearer. My schedule is actually absurdly free this week and so is Bob's. He took Friday off and I actually caught him reading a FICTION book out in the livingroom!!!! We both desperately needed the time off but would never have taken it to this degree.

So this morning we are going to check out another church. We'll probably check out a bunch of them over the course of the next couple of months. And then hopefully, God will have healed some broken hearts and some conversations will have taken place, and we'll go back to a place we feel like is home.

This week I was reminded that such a painful thing is part of how God grows us. And a good friend and a very wise woman sat across from me practically giddy with excitement about what God intended for us through such a painful experience. And I remembered that during one of the Beth Moore studies, I remembered learning about "Joy cometh in the morning." Such darkness - some of it even brought on by bad decisions and unfortunate choices and sinful actions that I chose - led to the night that was 2005. But joy came in the morning - it was all part of the path that led to ICC and a Subway in 2007. And I wished so desperately that I had known during that night that joy comes in the morning. And I wanted to remember. And until Thursday when I sat with my friend, I'd forgotten. Right now this hurts and there are regrets and disappointment but joy cometh in the morning, for me and Bob and ICC and everyone involved.

Why I Seek God

2009-12-12T08:24:00.002-05:00

Things have changed over the last few years. I used to listen to tapes daily because I knew how easy it would be to just stop doing it and then life would get crazy. Now, I do it because I've literally watched how quickly my natural sinful self can revert back to zero parts Christ-like. I "knew" it before in my head. Now I've seen the cesspool of my own heart apart from God. Last week I didn't sit right down after this and have my quiet time with God. In fact, I didn't at all until Wednesday - nearly a week. And not a proper one until Friday. Ugh. And the results were that by Thursday what was coming out of me was sewage. I was frustrated with everyone, angry, critical, upset, overwhelmed. Then Friday I sat down and heard a word or two from God. And I got up feeling so loved that it still freaks me out a little. Father you are amazing.

Day of Rest

2009-12-05T16:42:00.004-05:00

Maybe this is just the time of year when I don't want to miss anything. Maybe it's just that there are so many extra things to do. Whatever the reason, I'm not so good at scheduling in a day to just be. And my quiet time with God gets very difficult to honor. Seems like the crazier life gets the more I need God and the harder it is to get to Him through all the chaos. I did stuff in the evenings every day this week and I missed my quiet time at least 3 times already. And now, here I am on Saturday almost to evening and I feel like I'm already behind the 8 ball. So I'm going to finish up here, catch up on some blogs and then sit down and catch up with God. Yep - that's the plan.

Always a challenge

2009-11-29T17:24:00.004-05:00

It seems like God loves to see us grow. I guess that isn't a big surprise and slowly, I'm learning to thank Him for those challenges.

I know how I react to challenges at work. When something comes up that I worry about whether I can accomplish or not, I panic and freak out. And yet even then, in those times at work when I've compartmentalized and forgot that God is in control there, He was kind enough to remind me that He is in control. And I survived every challenge and I'm slowly learning that He gives me those things so I can trust in Him and relax a bit - and the work gets done. Usually better than I expected. Sometimes I make God so small.

But in spite of learning this lesson at work, it has been hard to move the lesson over to all things church. It's almost like I have to learn these things in each part of my life before they stick. And since serving God within His church is a new thing for me, I HAVE LOTS OF LESSONS THAT NEED A'LEARNIN'!!!!! As we live out this holiday season, I am making a vow to give a lot more than I get. Not presents -half the time people can't even recall what we get them. I want to start the day with God giving him my answer to whatever He calls me. And I want to offer what I have to Him by giving kindness and effort to others. I've been learning I have a lot of work to do with that. I still live in my comfortable shell too much. Thus the fun lessons that He throws my way. Challenges to grow into the child that He knew from the start.

Neglecting a Big Job

2009-11-21T15:42:00.002-05:00

This week I've been struck by the struggles that my husband is having. He's in a pretty rough patch. In fact, I'd say he seems to be in one of the more brutal yet subtle struggles I've seen him in. And there is so much at stake. He's struggling with relationships of all kinds and his bad habits that affect those relationships. If you think about it, that is about as comprehensive of an area as you can get. And if you know him, you will know that this is VERY difficult for him. He has immense difficulty with relationships. There is something at the root of it and it's a mystery right now. He's balking at things in a very reactive way and I can almost catch a glimpse of what's eating him and then it's gone. So I pray. And I've prayed for him a great deal recently. But one thing I regularly fail to remember is that I am his biggest support system. My words are either the wind beneath his wings or the bat that knock him out of the sky. Ouch. Not only is he relatively new to his walk with Jesus but he's a ministry leader. That's a lot. Big expectations of him. And quite literally he is Moses saying, "Dude, I think you have the wrong guy. Have you seen me? Really?" But God has seen him. I know our Father and I know that He loves Bob so much and this is what this pain is about. He has a new name for Bob and right now Bob's in the wrestling match of his life. Father, I cannot pray on his struggle because I want it to stop but I want him to be more like you. So I pray that you will make me into the wife I need to be to him through this. In your Son.

God sees the end

2009-11-07T06:51:00.002-05:00

I was just reading my devotion for the early morning and something that wasn't even the point of it struck me. Because God doesn't see things in linear time, He sees His completed work in me. Now isn't now. It's who I become when He's finished. It's who I was to Him from the beginning.

He doesn't see the Dena that ignored Him when it came to relationships and sexuality.
He doesn't see the Dena that thought that going to church was optional or that I didn't need anyone's help to grow closer to Him.
He doesn't see the Dena that seeks comfort in food.
He doesn't see the the Dena that rolls her eyes at authority and criticism.

My amazing God sees the DONE Dena in the five foot seven and a half chunk of clay even though it really just looks like a lump to everyone else. Wonder what He sees.......

He's not finished with me yet. Praise God and Hallelujah - He's not finished with me yet.

The single strands of slavery

2009-10-22T18:34:00.002-04:00

Wow - this is one powerful post.

http://http://livingproofministries.blogspot.com/2009/10/like-slaves-in-search-of-little-masters.html

Tiny strands that grow to enslave us one part at a time. Eating, organizing or planning, hobbies, exercise. Anything can take over and become our master. And it may not be bad alone, but left to the devices of the lord of this world, it can trap us so handily that we cannot get out.

Being Blessed vs. Being a Blessing

2009-10-22T15:41:00.004-04:00

Last week before the proverbial doo-doo hit the fan, I heard a message from one of the online churches I listen to. It was an amazing lesson delivered by a guy that seriously looked like he was about 12, but wow, what a power packed message. It hit me hard and this was BEFORE I got a really rough message from God. The basic message was this: we set all these goals for ourselves spiritually and if we are honest, we want God to bless our socks off over attaining them. But what if, that was only half the story. What if OUR TRUE GOAL as a Christ-follower is to BE a BLESSING. Seriously, I follow Jesus for a number of different reasons and He knows that most of them are self interested at heart. But the older I get, the more I realize that isn't the end.

I had the wonderful opportunity two weeks ago to reunite with an old friend that I have not seen since 1987. Before this message I couldn't figure out why I was so filled with remorse after seeing her. Then I heard this message and it was clear. For SO LONG, I didn't regret anything in my life - and I SAID it was because I knew the things that I did, even if wrong, made me into the person I am today. Ugh. Even typing that now is painful. There was little consideration for the pain and anguish I had caused A BUNCH of people in my life who did NOTHING to deserve it. I was focused on my growth goals.

And so I thought upon my friendship with Beth. She was absolutely wonderful to me - kind and thoughtful gifts like the picture of the baby because she knew I wanted to be a mom so much (which is weird because I don't remember that) and writing a speech about how much she'd miss me to give in English. She even told me about one that I didn't know. She gave Bo money to buy me a VanHalen tshirt at the concert. And here's the rub. I was NEVER as good to her as she deserved. SHE was a blessing to me. I had no designs on BEING a blessing to her. What an abyssmal picture that painted.

And then last week's catastrophic humbling happened and I realized I wasn't being a blessing to a lot of people. I was looking for them to bless me and encourage me and make me feel special (God included) and I was decidedly NOT being purposeful about BEING a blessing to them.

The pastor delivering the message suggested that we create some BLESSING GOALS for ourselves and I think for me, that is LONG OVERDUE. I probably need to start small so here's three for me until the end of the year:

1. Be intentional in my words and be encouraging with my church family. If the words aren't encouraging or building up, don't say them.

2. Show that I value people in my life by LISTENING IN LOVE.

3. When there are opportunities to bless others even at the risk of my inconvenience, MAKE the decision that will glorify God - BLESS THEM.

Heavy Heart

2009-10-18T04:55:00.002-04:00

This week has just really been difficult. I think the stuff that happened might be a little too raw to process but somehow I still felt compelled to mark it here and now. I had a eye-opening and painful week learning about myself the hard way. I compared it to the moment Toto pulled the curtain back to reveal Oz was nothing but a funny looking guy. Except my Toto was someone that I respect and my revelation was worse than being funny looking. I thought I had this respect for authority thing canned. Work now is amazing and I recognize Joel is my boss. Where I used to be upset and feel like I could do it better or that something was being done poorly, I just accept and move on. Most of the time, I don't even get upset.

And then came a new organization that I'd never been part of in quite this intimate way - the body of Christ. A place where I should be embracing my place because God put me there. And ever since its started, I've struggled in one way or another. Submitting to Bob as a wife, as a vocalist on the stage under his leadership in the band, and then and now, to other church leadership. I know this is my biggest weakness. I'm not in charge - at all. And it irks me. And I don't like that it bugs me. But I chafe under the authority and so then I gripe and get mad and frustrated and critical and judgmental. And then I really don't like me. And then I do lots of things that are fruitless attempts to placate the fact that I'm disappointed in the person that I am.

And all this becomes abundantly clear on the very day we start the bible study "Life's Healing Choices." When we prepared for it, I had other ideas about what my problem was. And those other things are clearly still issues. But this problem with authority is ruining my ability to serve God. I think God wanted me to be aware that it wasn't licked yet. Over the last four years or so, God has done wonderful things in my life with this but it's like I thought I had let Him house clean and all of a sudden realized that there was a ballroom in the house that was still full of this muck. Let me clarify that by "realized" I mean that probably one of the LAST people I wanted to know that I had this kind of screwed up defect in me was the one person to lovingly and honestly hit me with a 2x4 with the truth of it. I've never been so humiliated over my own weakness. Never. Because this was 100% my sin problem. I've been as sad as this before but never due to my own things. I'm glad that it happened. Thanking God that He loves me enough not to let me get away with this stuff anymore - but still wrecked by it. And the enemy gets in my head and tempts me to make this about unfairness and someone else's issues.... and I have to make a choice to let this be about God and me and what He wants to get in there and do in my life. I'm embarrassed but I am blessed to be going through this. Father, please help me submit to your authority in my life - in every part of my life that you have carefully and omnisciently planned.

Dabbling with Fiction

2009-10-03T09:48:00.003-04:00

Here's another thing I ran into. Marianne challenged me to try my hand at a story. I don't know - I don't think it's my thing. I love reading it but writing it is work. Here's what I came up with. May be my only foray into fiction writing.

Kara threw her keys down on the counter but not fast enough to keep the slew of mail from fluttering to the floor. She growled with frustration as she crouched down to gather it up. "

"Figures. Just the kind of day its been," as she pushed a clump of her stringy, wind oiled hair behind her ear.

She reached up and pressed play on her answering machine as she picked up the last piece of junk mail.

"Hi Auntie K! Its Maya - just wanted to see if you could help me pick out a subject for a bio paper. Due Friday. Call me. Love you! Buh-Bye!"

That kid. Kara smiled and shook her head. Just hearing her voice turned a a bad day good. She reached for the phone and hit the speed dial.

"Hey Chrissie - yeah, I know, she called and asked already."

"Geez, eleven? I hadn't realized it was so late - well, tell M to give me a call at the center tomorrow and I'll throw a few ideas at her."

"Um - no - I haven't had a chance to look for any cheap flights. But I will - I'll check this weekend maybe. See what's out there for late this month." She crunched the phone between her ear and neck juggling a stack of journals, maps and notebooks making her way to the coffee table.

"I will - I promise."

" I know just how long its been - I've just been so crazy with this new study getting started and now there's - "

"I know how much it would mean to her." She made an exaggerated nod and rolled her eyes as she made her way to the kitchen to check the bleak stock.

"I know but - " as she tore the top off a yogurt she began to scowl. A few bites and a few futile mumbled protests managed but to little avail.

"Okay then, like I said, I'll check and see, but I've gotta go. Give Cal a hug and tell M to call me tomorrow. Okay - love you too."

WOOF! Lately, all conversations with the north seemed to end like that. A mad scramble to avoid further lecturing. God bless family but the strings that yanked from over 600 miles away in western Pennsylvania seemed to be pulling harder - and with a little more viger.

Kara had been in Marathon, heart of the Florida Keys for over ten years and the going had been getting tougher in the family department. When she first made the move here, she had taken the trip north four or five times a year as if they'd been short jaunts to Miami. But these days, she saw her parents once a year at their time share here and that was it. Coordinating research projects at the Marine Mammal Preservation and Research Center was a three person job that knew no holidays and it was being done by one Kara Lynn Knapp. And as for Chrissie, Cal, and Maya - their lives had been busy and vacations closer to home. She thought hard - do I really know just how long its been? Nearly 2 years she'd seen them. She hated that but - it wouldn't be long. She needed to look up that flight for the end of May and book two returning flights to Key West for her and Maya, killing two birds with one stone. Spend time with the clan and then she and Maya would spend the summer together. Maya would get the experience as a research assistant at the center. Kara would get some company, the much-needed help at the center, and they would be able to spend the time together that they had emailed about so often.

She collapsed onto the couch with a beer and her notebook, beer spraying the crispy sun bleached pages as she cracked open the can. Today's issue - oh it was a doosie. Plans set already to count, catalog, and otherwise document the continued viability of over 100 marine mammal habitats stretching from Big Pine Key into the Tortugas. And then the call from a friend on the zoning board. Developers planning to level Buccanneer Cay - home to more than a third of those - and build more than a dozen multi-story condos. She ran her hand through her dirty blond hari and sighed. She'd been there before but this time was going to be different. Harder and more challenging - "native" son Thurman Trent was promsing that he'd follow both the written and unwritten laws of the keys. Sure, and monkeys were gonna fly right outta my…….

She snapped the notebook shut. "My brain hurts - and my hands and feet and toes and….Time for bed."

She headed for the shower with happier thoughts on Maya's project.

Kara grunted loudly as she strained to drag the last bin of soaked and baled sea grass into the shed. As she gave the tub a last heave she heard the screen door of the lab slam shut.

"Need some help there Kara?" she heard as she caught a tall figure jog to her side.

"Yeah, about 40 minutes ago would've been nice, Rick! But as usual you are just in time for -"

"Aw ,come on boss! I told you I was gonna be late this morning and you should have waited. Did you do the whole load?"

Her hand still planted firmly on her hip, she smiled and shook her head in mock resignation. "Yep, and if you didn't have so much research instinct I'd fire your butt! But, since I'm old enough to be your mother I should just kick it!"

He leaned down and grabbed her cast off work gloves and chuckled. "Well, I'm sure my mom's given you permission and the good reasons to do it before. Hey, what's this I hear from Captian Les about going to down to secure sites from developing? He muttered something about it when I stopped over at the dock last night to take a water sample."

Kara gathered up the rest of her things and they headed over o the back stoop of the long narrow bungalow building. Weather beaten, untreated and graying, the siding hung on the frame in places by what only appeared a few splinters. But oddly, it didn't look decrepit - it looked just fine for a research lab in the tropical Keys. The trees hung just over the _________ roof, providing the entire back of the building with just the right amount of shade from the hot morning sun.

"Well, Rick, why don't you run in and grab me a giant glass of water and I'll tell ya while I cool off?"

Blogging before Blog

2009-10-03T09:42:00.004-04:00

I was searching through disks from my old computer looking for a picture and I came across some writing I did when Bob and I were in Myrtle Beach right after 9/11/2001. I had JUST been looking at my travel journal on vacation wishing that I had written something and I guess I was just looking in the wrong place. I was well into my Palm Pilot with teaching so I entered them in there and then transferred everything to Word when I returned. It is very interesting to also note that while I was TEACHING writing to my 4th graders, I think I actually became a better writer. Thought I would post - I apologize in advance for the length. The picture below was from Virginia Beach but the effect is the same.... something about the ocean.....

October 12, 2001 - 9:00pm - Well, I could not ask for a better place to relax. The surf is pounding and when I stepped onto the balcony I could see flickering lights out at sea. In those distant shipping channels, life goes on just like my life here on shore goes on. Oh, CNN is still blaring from the room and I know that more scares are likely to crop up tomorrow in this crazy world, but for right now, all that matters is that I am peaceful. My mind is peaceful. And when I walked out here to view my friend the ocean, I desperately wanted to write. The carpet isn't screaming to be swept or the dishwasher whining to be filled or unloaded. The dog isn't sadly looking to be snuggled into his spot next to me on the chair and the TV isn't an escape from the mountains of work that is mandated from that crazy job I have sought. It is just about me. And about Bob and about how we like to spend time together unfettered by our lives. The beer silhouetted on the railing isn't a guilty pleasure that might result in lost work time. It is an almost elegant reminder as it sits there with the ocean as a backdrop. A reminder that I deserve some unnecessary, even frivolous, indulgences. What is it about the ocean that does this to me? Am I truly a closet mermaid who derives some sort of energy from the sea. Does reaching out my hand to it when renew my spirit somehow? In a recent song the words told some of my feelings. “ I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean.....” Maybe this is just my way of humbling myself. Reminding myself that God has a plan for me - but that the world is big and I am small. Sometimes being intense isn't as important as sweetly savoring each moment. The sea reminds me that no matter how many waves crash against that beach, no matter how many shells find their home in the sand, each time it happens and I am witness, it is beautiful and powerful and divine. And it is unknown and mysterious. And so my life and it's hassles and even the fears of the last month, they are small. God makes sure that each wave hits as he has planned. He'll make me into what he wants. And I will be okay. Like the sea and all the power and mystery and beauty, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are your gifts and works, oh, Lord.

October 14, 2001 7:15am - From my perch up here on the third floor, I have just watched the sunrise on another beautiful day at the beach. It is low tide and the foam edges its way up the beach like a child that creeps its way only inches from her mother and finds herself stranded, alone. Could the wind be any more fresh? Could the sun be any brighter and warming? I have strange feelings as I sit here. Part of is joyous that I have been able to put two entries in my Palm and label them "Personal." I spent an hour pampering myself last night, fixing my nails, massaging my feet. But the cares are not gone. I find myself relaxed enough to worry about things I don't usually get time to ... Like the fact that I am just plain old fat and it really has changed my way of life and my feelings about myself. I look into the mirror and I don't loathe myself - it isn't like that. I just don't recognize myself. I know there is a thinner, even beautiful me inside. Right now, I don't like my hair or my face or my body. And then that leads to the next problem. I am fat and don't have any kids yet. And I really shouldn't even consider that until I lose weight. Peeling off those layers of dissatisfaction leads to one of the real concerns. And it isn't that the concern is hidden that deep. It just has been well protected by my psyche underneath that thick layer of practicality. The world is becoming a more and more frightening place. It is slightly more than one month after the World trade Center tragedy and nightmares are unfolding one after another. In the last week, a dozen or so anthrax cases have cropped up in various places throughout the country. Sent to media companies, they have infected many people who go on about their lives much like I do. Paying attention and staying well informed about the latest developments, but separating themselves. I think it will become more and more difficult to do that. If life continues like this, I don't know if I want to get pregnant. Bob stepped out onto the porch as I was finishing up reading one of the books I brought along and said, "I don't know..." When I asked him what he meant, he said that he thinks things are going to get really awful.... He doesn't usually go for the panic. He's watched CNN for nearly a full month now. Oh sure we turn the channel for some things - Buffy, Survivor, or CSI - but it always comes back. I hesitate to admit it but we are trying to keep track so we can hear the latest - maybe the first ones to get the news of another tragedy unfolding in our beloved country. I think we are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Smallpox or plague or another attack. It isn't obvious but it is there. And it has changed our lives. I keep wondering if all I'll ever be is an aunt - because maybe it will be better that way. I think I want to be closer to home in case of a national emergency. Yesterday, Bob refused to drink a pop because the safety seal wasn't in place. two months ago I would have poo-pooed him. Now I was paranoid and a little fearful. And Carrie is scheduled to fly down next weekend and stay with us - I still don't know if she is coming. The FBI issued a warning this week - a vague non-specific warning that other attacks are imminent - in the next few days even. So I guess we will see. I don't know if I would come or not. She only spent a hundred dollars on the ticket. But she is pregnant and will be coming alone and the fear might paralyze me - and I know she is even more intense than I am. So it has changed our lives. Thank you Lord that it hasn't touched us directly - but if Bin Laden or whoever was seeking to change our lives and set fear in our hearts, then I think he has succeeded in ways he could not have even imagined. It's true that our freedoms are being whisked away in a current of panic. UN planes are now to fly over the country - as protection?? This is like a horrible unentertaining movie of the week.
Then I sit back in my chair here in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina and I look at the waves and the endless horizon and I smile. For the second time in two days I see a pod of dolphins tracing the shoreline. Have we complicated our lives too much? Those amazing creatures of the sea remind me that my life has to go on. I still want to enjoy things that I love. Admire things of beauty. And hold close the things that are dear.

Emma - Desperate for the Lost

2009-09-06T07:04:00.004-04:00

My sister told me this story the other day that made my heart hurt. Lest I forget - this whole pool thing has made me think about how much work God has to do with me - with finances and what makes my heart hurt. The pool made my heart hurt. Ugh.

Emma is seven and she's a smart cookie but I learned something very important about the heart of a child from her.

Here's what Carrie told us:

Somehow they were discussing that someone was not allowed to have a manger scene and Emma asked why. Carrie told her that some people don't believe in God and so they get very upset when people do anything that reminds them of God. Emma began to get visibly upset and asked why they didn't believe and said, "But they won't go to heaven!" At this point she became so upset she began to cry, very inconsolably, being very aware of where people went that didn't believe in Jesus. Carrie did exactly what I would have done. She tried to calm her down by distancing her from the subject that was upsetting her.

Later, Carrie went back to her. My sister had been thinking about Emma's reaction and she sat down with her and said, "Emma, I'm sorry I told you not to get so upset about people not going to heaven. That's really how all of us should feel about people who don't know Jesus."

Maybe if all of our hearts broke for the lost like little Emma's, we would all see NOT sharing our faith as the harder of the two options. We would act past our discomfort and accept that even a rejection may bring another person that much closer to the saving work of Jesus Christ. God bless you Emma and the heart for Jesus that you have. I pray that God preserves that heart broken for Him and puts it to great work in your life and His Kingdom. Amen.

Crazy Clown Car

2009-09-06T07:00:00.003-04:00

I just have to post this funny thing. That 18ft collapsed pool? We fit the WHOLE thing (less the vinyl liner which went to the garbage) in the back of the civic thanks to a handy guy with a sawzall!!!! SUVs my behind!! Civics are workhorses!

We loaded it up to take it to the scrap yard - thought we might get a few bucks..... Alas, this place didn't scrap steel and we didn't get anything but that's okay. They took it from us without charging anything for disposal.

A fresh start with a bit of pineapple

2009-08-27T08:59:00.005-04:00

Today is a new day and thank you Lord for that. Yesterday I got VERY overwhelmed by life. No vacation, busy job, busier life, lots of stuff on the to do list. I emailed Bob mid-day and started to cry. Nothing he said changed it - he tried to be encouraging and help me remove some of the craziness that was freaking me out.

But a friend from church dropped by to provide some much needed reassurance and two additional smiling faces - one that was adorable and 17 months and one that was another good friend. I was reminded that we were getting a pool and that it was all going to work out okay with the deck and all.

And while I was grabbing some basil for my eager friend, I saw again that my sweet little garnish-size pineapple had been ripening. Bright yellow - at least on one side. So I picked it - in a rush, even a tizzy. And after my friends left, I cut it up and I took two delicious bites of a tiny fruit that I had invested three years in. I wasn't sad it was done - I lopped off the crown and was eager to get a new one started. Three years for two bites and it changed my night. Took me from frazzled to hopeful.

I know that life seems crazy right now but God has a plan. I am ridiculously impatient in the short term but in the long term, he's been changing my heart, making me wait things out so I can see his glorious plan. 10 years from unbelieving husband to godly man, worship leader and spiritual leader of our home. A lifetime of selfish behavior slowly pared a little at a time to more sharing and praying that I will become desperate for the lost. Arms length distance from letting God in all the rooms of my life - now opening and redecorating one door at a time. He can handle the little stuff. The day to day. Days like yesterday I somehow think he wants me to handle that. Nope.

I'm learning. A lot and then a little. And a little bit of pineapple was all it took to remind me.

Decisions, Distraction and Discouragement

2009-08-22T18:12:00.003-04:00

This about sums up my last 10 days. Doing research on pool replacement, falling off the good eating and workout wagon and also distracted away from my morning quiet times with God. And as a result, yuck-yuck-yuck. I'm not surprised at how I feel as a result but I'm so disappointed in myself. I have to get back on track and right now the catch up seems overwhelming both at work and home. I get in places like this - RUTS - where the sides seem so steep that I can't crawl out on my own. Hmmm. I know the answer but I seem to distant from attaining it. How about instead of blogging, I try going to the source and getting this worked out? Not me resolving but God resolving. Hoping my next post is about resolutions....

Pool-less

2009-08-13T13:03:00.003-04:00

I know it's silly to be sad over a pool. I know it's just a thing. No one was hurt, nothing other than the pool was damaged. But I am having a hard time with this. It was my consolation prize for no summer vacation. It was my happy thought when I thought about not getting a day off all summer. It was my reward after a day of work.

And with the pool water swooshed out security and comfort. This week I've been an anxious mess worrying about everything from the weeds in the lawn to the rust on the fence to the sag in the stone wall. Chang ching - Chang ching - Chang ching. Money. Costs a lot to replace one of these. And then there's the fact that everyone comes here for the pool. Saylor reunion next year, visits from family. Ugh. It just makes me so sad. I think it was THE thing that made me love this house.

We're getting a new one. Bob seems confident of that but typical me panics and must have right now.

So it's no wonder for the last two days I've been bombarded with reminders from GOD not to let my pool be the idol it apparently was. And DO NOT WORRY. Phil 4:6, 1 Peter 5:7, Matt 6:25-34. Another reminder that although I sometimes feel like I've come a long way, I am one mini-tidal wave from falling right down. Glad God loves me even in this disappointing state.

Too Busy Not to Pray Study

2009-08-07T09:28:00.004-04:00

Life is going well! Our bible study is something we really look forward to each week. It's awesome getting to know new people and share our lives with each other. Also great getting to know my sister-in-law better. Been so grateful lately for the wisdom God is giving me with that. Last week during the communion service I felt like the Spirit was strongly encouraging me to talk to Missie about the jealousy and apologize for the way it comes out. Basically since I'm envious, I act overly critical and superior in my head about other things. Unattractive to say the least. I've been praying about it. I let her know that I was sorry for being mean and critical and I wanted to fix that because she's my sister (in more than one way) and I loved that we were getting closer and I didn't want that between us. She was very forgiving and said that she hadn't noticed anything like that but I assured her that God wanted me to ask for forgiveness so He could get it out there. I have to admit that sometimes I'm a big meany - and in order to fix it, I really have to admit it. I've already found myself less critical. God works in mysterious ways..... :)

And another example (just for the week!) of successful prayer is Bob. He's been reading the 5 love languages and he's made some significant effort. I need to work harder too.... But it's just awesome to see how quickly God can start to work on things that we persistently pray about.

I love how God works!! And as our book is reminding us, the greatest motivator for prayer is answered prayer!

Mission Call

2009-08-04T17:07:00.004-04:00

Sunday night I was able to attend the commisioning service for my friend Jenn as she departs for Malawi with a team from the Pittsburgh Presbytery for a 10 day trip. I am so excited for her and cannot wait to talk with her after she returns home to see how God uses this to deepen His presence in her life. The message the pastor gave was clear, this trip was a calling on them to be there at this time and each of them was being called to bring all that they had to this trip for God to use. Jenn and I have just recently rekindled our friendship and it is HUGELY exciting to see how God is in the middle of that newly rediscovered friendship. I am so proud to be her friend and am honored that I could be there to see her blessed like this.

While I was there I felt a longing for service. It was a combination of the Saturday community outreach giving out water that we coordinated for our small group and Tommy pushing me the previous week to go in and talk with a new person. Both were things I DID NOT want to do. Tommy challenged me and he challenged our group and truth be told - I liked doing both of those things even though I fought it. It seems that I don't do things that make me uncomfortable without a good bit of prodding. But a part of me knows that the discomfort is SO POWERFUL in the growth process. I long to be that uncomfortable again. I keep thinking back to the discomfort of my trip to the Caribbean with Clarence and in particular my climb up the saw grass steeps of El Toro. Tears and pain and frustation. And the biggest physical accomplishment of my life and the greatest sense of achievement. And I was far from God then because of some choices I was making. Most of the prodding came from a professor who I dearly loved. Can you even imagine being prodded by the loving all powerful God of the Universe and what an answer to that call might mean? Honestly, I can't fathom it. But someday I hope to go. Where? I don't know. When? I don't know. I especially don't know how. But someday I hope He asks and I say yes.

Loving IT!

2009-07-30T14:07:00.002-04:00

The small group study I am leading right now is on Bill Hybel's book "Too Busy Not to Pray." It's encouraged me to take up journaling my prayers again and do something else that I haven't done in awhile - review my earlier prayers. It is truly amazing. Today, I read the prayer that I prayed on 12/25/2007 and it was astonishing the love that I gushed for God. Particularly interesting because I am having trouble right now in the adoration department of my prayer life. It was so genuine my wonder at where life had so recently been in comparison to where God was pointing us. I think right now I have to unlearn some things about my prayer life - something that has me checking off a box each day that I did it. I am such an organization freak that I think I lose some of the intensity of it because I'm just doing it - going through the motions. And as the song says, "Don't want to go through the motions, don't want to go one more day without your all consuming power inside of me. Don't want to spend my whole life asking, what if I had given everything, instead of going through the motions." So that is my prayer right now, whatever is holding me back, whatever I am doing or not doing in disobedience to God - please get rid of it!!! As I look back at my prayers for that day, I was begging for humility and obedience. He gave it. And so I beg for it even deeper. God give me what I am afraid to get.

Again - so very long!!

2009-07-20T16:20:00.002-04:00

In the last 7 weeks my work life has changed enormously. It went from fearfully perilous to comfortably efficient. On June 3, the parent company I work for laid off half of their staff and cut our portion of the company off from any financial assistance. It changed everything. The place I hoped I would work until I no longer worked changed. It was no longer safe and secure. It went from being a family to being a job. I went from having a home away from home to an office again. I know it was supposed to be that way. Maybe God saw that I was becoming too comfortable and relying too much on that ease. It changed and so I began looking at things different. And things became very different. No longer was there an odd supervisory relationship between me and several EIP employees. Where there was once an authority exerted over me to establish the hierarchy, now there was no support at all. It was disappointing. But Joel was back to being my direct boss. Over these last few weeks, we've re-established our close relationship. He's sought my help with decisions and I've renewed my respect for the way he's been handling things - calmly and with a level rational head. He's been encouraging and grateful. And I've made sure that he knows that I'm here until they tell me to go.

I no longer have someone to back me up if I had a day off. So when I found out that EIP was working 8-4 shifts which I couldn't take advantage of, I asked Joel to let me work from home. He agreed and before the end of last month I was working from home. It's been a balancing act. I think I'm doing okay for the time being but balance has never been my thing. I feel like I've been getting a lot done at work and home is benefitting too.

So now I'm back. Lots of other things have happened over that time. Good stuff. Growing stuff. But that will wait. I'll catch this up soon enough now that life is back to strange normal..... :)

Lessons on the Commute

2009-05-22T15:41:00.000-04:00

I got in the car this morning on the verge of overwrought over money. I decided that I needed to spend some time being quiet with God in the car – listening. I talked to Him and prayed some but I found my mind wandering a lot. So by the time I got through the light at Musik Innovations, I was way out there. So as I started up the hill, I think God said, “FOCUS!!!” Loudly. Seriously. So I did. I started telling Him how amazing He is and how much He’s done in my life…..

And out of nowhere, on the way up the hill, a little doe was walking across traffic. No warning except the brake lights of a car ahead of it and to the right (I was in the fast lane). The doe was ahead of me and I saw it and slowed way down – oddly in plenty of time to slow down, which really doesn’t make sense since it was all of sudden just there and I was probably going at least 40. It got confused, looked at me, and jumped the barrier and safely crossed with no traffic coming down the hill.

SOOOO!!! Since my mind was with finances it turned back there. If a little focus can save that idiot deer from getting smashed in traffic (and me from the drivers behind me that had to slam on the brakes) financial recovery should be a manageable task for God with a little focus from us……. I think if we pray and listen, he’ll let us know what path he wants us to take….

Northway Girls

2009-04-24T11:47:00.002-04:00

Dear ladies of my Beth Moore group,

It has been an amazing journey. In the three years that I have been with the group I have learned far more than what Beth meant to teach. In 2006, I had never been part of a church family and in the next year and a half, I desperately struggled with the good and the bad of close quarters with my royal family members in the studies.

.....I learned to love those that at first I did not love.
.....I learned to see and admit my own faults more readily because of others openess and seeing the same faults in them....
.....I learned to abandon myself to my relationship with Christ by the way these women did.
.....I learned to swallow my pride and accept the authority of the leaders that were placed with us because this was God's will.
.....I learned to love others so deeply that I can't even put it adequately into words.
.....I learned to share what I knew with gentleness and kindness - not defensiveness and frustration.
.....I learned that it's okay not to agree with everything and that some issues just aren't a big enough issue to tackle.
.....I learned that prayer is the most powerful tool we can use to help others.
.....I learned that I can't do this alone. I need people and in the same way, others need me. God designed for me to share - not stuff myself in a closet.

So I walked out the door of the church last night toward a different goal. I will be leading my own study at Iron City Church and developing that family closer to "home." Providing a place where women can come and learn and grow together like that at ICC. But I will try my darnedest to stay in touch with as many of them as possible because, quite honestly, I love them and I know each of them was a gift from heaven.

Thank you, Father for giving me the gift of them.

Daniel 1 and 2
Fruits of the Spirit
The Tabernacle
Psalm of the Ascents
Esther

The best seat in the house

2009-04-24T11:44:00.003-04:00

Thank you so much for anyone who has taken time to pray for my friend. She and her family have been blessed over and over in the last nearly two weeks. People have stepped up and heard God calling them to be generous in spirit in some way and it has been truly beautiful. We are all growing in this. And watching has been a gift that God has honored me with. Keep praying!

A Month of Kimptons

2009-04-24T11:35:00.003-04:00

So this month has been the month of the Kimptons. Sarah came the first weekend, then came Easter and last weekend was Molly and finally this weekend we have Ben and Grace. It has really been fun. Sarah and I had so much fun. We got to talk and act silly and do fun things and I just really loved spending time with her. She's a lot of fun. Then last weekend Molly came. We did a bunch of things together and had a lot of fun too. I was a little sad that she's growing up and getting a bit adolescent - trying to not act as silly, concerned about how to behave grown up and sometimes distant. I know kids go through that but it was a bit sad for me. I guess part of me doesn't want her to grow up. However, those moments were punctuated with some great fun. We talked and hiked and goofed off. And we had a great talk after church about our yuckier selfish and mean sides. We're headed off to the zoo this weekend and it should be great fun and our first weekend with summer like weather!! I'm sure there will be pictures to post!

Prayer request

2009-04-15T16:29:00.002-04:00

Hmmm. All those times when I read other blogs and people asked for prayer that is veiled out of courtesy and confidentiality, come back around. I have a dear friend who is going through a monstrously difficult time. I can't really say more than that but please pray for her and her husband and her kids over the next month.

I am so proud to be part of our church as I've seen so many people rally around them out of love. In fact it occured to me that having a church family is not only an amazing blessing but an exercise in humility. It's a step that God puts in place to ensure that we fully realize that we CANNOT do it on our own. It takes the swallowing of the pride to accept help from people. I know it would be ridiculously hard for me. But once you accept help from God's children, you begin to understand that it's His way of holding you and filling you up.

Pray for her peace. Pray for her patience. Pray for her strength. Pray for her love. Pray for her children. Pray that God will turn this into a reversal of destiny that we can't even imagine.

Oh Jealousy!

2009-04-15T16:12:00.002-04:00

I wish it weren't true but envy is sometimes a humongous problem for me. As I may have mentioned in the past, unfairness is some kind of trigger for me. Don't know why. Seems to be woven into the fabric of me. Yuck. Might have been a brief twinge in the last few years. Nothing significant. Then a few weeks ago, it reared its ugly head and I had to literally give myself a time out and pray about it. Last week was worse though. It was like some horrible dragon inside of me and I became jealous of someone I consider my friend. What kind of friend feels that way? Um - one that has her own lion's share of sin to deal with. I was bad. And I unleashed it on Bob and he was flat out disgusted by it - should have been too. It was hard to take that - but I deserved it. I should have gone to God when I first felt it brewing and I didn't. Instead I allowed myself to compose a lengthy list of reasons that it wasn't fair..... and it got pretty bad. There was a lot of scolding and lots of crying. I need that kind of reminder that I have plenty of my own sins.

Tommy often talks about Satan getting at us where we live during weeks when we're up to big stuff at ICC. And I often feel out of the line of fire. It wasn't coincidental that the enemy attacked during the week before Easter. And he attacked in a way that would have an outcome on Easter morning. Fortunately, Christ didn't win the moment but he won the battle and as a result, there was joy and love on Easter rather than jealousy and envy. Take that Satan. I have weakness but you don't own it. I am not ruled by sin.

Theological Consternation

2009-03-25T16:00:00.002-04:00

Over the last years God has brought me to a church that wasn't my human choice. I had to surpress my knee jerk reaction and submit to the will of my Father. And it's no surprise that He knew best for me. Iron City Church has been an amazing place to grow closer to God. During these last 17 months, I have learned that some of the same things that I had learned to criticize were not what I thought and not what I'd been taught or what I thought I understood.

- Raising hands during worship was not born out of some hyper-spiritual, self-righteous need to be seen as uber-holy.
- Emotion is a form of worship that is wholly acceptable to God.
- Dying to self is not an attempt to be martyr-ish.
- Mission work is not just for missionaries and outreach is a command.
- A personal relationship with Jesus comes out of application of knowledge of Him. It takes both.
- Some apologetics are worth fighting over. Some are not.
- Faith alone in Christ alone is the truth and as basic as this is, people skew it but not because they are trying to taint Scripture and the Truth but because it is sometimes confusing.....
- Very few of the things that I learned about that were elsewhere occuring in the evangelical Christian world were motivated by what I thought.
- Much of the motivation I perceived came out of some disputes my parents had with other family about God and faith. And experience does not make truth.
- Questions on being saved are not just one sided.

Anyway. I've found those things to be true. But it makes me very sad that there's not been balance.

In my new church there is a discounting that the flock needs brought and then taught. I see that in Bob when he reads passages on his own. Small groups help when there is a Bible study involved. But it's not enough and there is a reason God has called some people to teach as well as evangelize. It's important when you are sending people out that they are equipped.

In my old church, there was a neglecting of the fellowship, outreach, and sharing of the gospel. Fellowship has been SOOO important. And not just for support. It's also been the greatest test of faith and patience EVER. And outreach and evangelism are uncomfortable because the enemy wants it not to happen - because GOD WANTS IT TO HAPPEN. And it's hard. And personally, if Tommy wasn't busting my butt over it, I'd still be thinking differently.

I don't know. Both of those pieces are SO CRITICAL to me today. Let me say this loud and clear, I have been saved since I can remeber and Jesus Christ has been my Savior since I was old enough to know what that meant. But I am the follower of Christ I am today BECAUSE OF BOTH PIECES. I was no less saved because I was an immature kid who didn't know HOW to submit myself completely to the power of the Holy Spirit. I am no "holy roller" now because I feel compelled to tell everyone I know on Facebook and even by standing out on McKnight Road that they should come to Iron City. I just know what kind of person Jesus has made me into and I can't hold it in anymore. I don't want to take off PTO days this summer to help with mission kids because I'm trying to be holier than thou!! I'm not!!! I'm still not even sure I like that idea. But I think God is pushing me to be less selfish with my time and that is because of ICC.

My wonderful friend Carrie just pointed out that the disciples were pretty much boneheads while Christ was with them. Idiots. Peter - the greatest and the least of them. They loved Christ and believed in him but they were not mature in their faith until years later..... I need to stop questioning when I was saved because of what people say or imply. I need to stop worrying about what people think of the new church I'm part of - if it's enough. I know right now that I am being obedient to God's direction. And He's the only one who matters. What a relief.....

Wow

2009-03-18T20:46:00.012-04:00

Well, it's only been a little more than two weeks since my last post and I swear. I've had a world of things going on. Most of them spiritual - some dramatic outwardly and other all about the inside.

I hate to brief synopsis these things but they are so big that I fear that the overwhelm will make them go unmentioned altogether and that would make me sad and defeat the purpose of this as a spiritual growth chart. So - here goes:

- Last Beth Moore bible study, the group decided it was my turn to be loved on. We've been going around and being loving and affirming to one person. I was concerned that I'd focus too much on the opinions of others but after a long list of things that were decidedly NOT who I see myself as - like humble, approachable, modeling a tremendous love of God and His Word through my marriage, confident in myself, beautiful...... Well, it occured to me that this was my transformation. All these months, I've looked beaming with loving pride at the work that God was doing in Bob. Quite honestly, with more than a little envy that He was doing such great things in him. And after comments in the last weeks by Laura and Emily and others about me not being the person I see - whether physically or just me seeing myself as the person I used to be..... God's message came through loud and clear. I am not what I was. I have become a new creation too. And that person is not the arrogant, selfish, inconsiderate person that I was before. Oh - I still have my moments - being judgemental and insecure and all the drama that goes with that. But make no mistake, I am the person I am today because of the tremendous power of Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit in me. See? Just a little thing....

- Unleash and NewSpring Church - Anderson, SC - Um - I don't even know where to start. It was utterly overwhelming to be there at all. Bob and I traveled by van 12 1/2 hours to SC with our recently acquired church family. 3 vans. Close quarters. People from vastly different backgrounds. We lived through the trip down. I was sold on the energy I hoped it would bring to all of us to experience this together. When I saw the awesome lake house - I was really sold. It was awesome.

These were photos taken on my phone of the worship band playing in the Youth Center, where we were seated. That place was incredible. Like movie stadium seating and the screen rose out of the center of the stage when the pastor came on.

Off to NewSpring Church the next day. I can't begin to explain how powerful being part of the congregation was to me. I missed that total worship experience (not being up front leading) and - as expected - the music and the situation and God's endless love for both of us in bringing us there together - brought me to tears. By the time Bob was done with the first break out session he was smiling from ear to ear. And that was just planning the service. Jason, Bob and I got a mess of stuff from Lee McDerment's worship leading break out. Not technical things - worship leading principles to live by. God clearly was working on some of the flags I throw up with ICC. My biggest takeaway was that I need to submit to the authority of God, my pastor, my worship leader and my husband - without question. All of those positions report ultimately to God and so I have to show some faith and follow after these men in my life. In essence, by trusting them, I am showing a faith in God's plan for me. And it isn't exactly a shock that I have issues submitting to authority so this whole year of humbling of myself has led to this. I have to be willing to support my pastor in his calling from God. I have to be willing to support my husband and worship leader in his calling from God. I have Tommy's back. I have Bob's back. And when they ask me to do something, I will do it. If my dad ever reads this his eyes will bug out of his head and he will be asking, "Where the heck was that when you were MY problem!??" :)

Check these folks at NewSpring out www.newspring.cc. Their volunteers are completely off the hook!!! They had 350 volunteers there on a Thursday!! When we walked in about 100 people talked to you and welcomed you and cheered for us and talked to the guys about their Steeler's shirts (they were sure easy to id!!) In fact by the second main session, people had heard about the crazy folk who drove from Pittsburgh, PA. And their staff doesn't just work at church, Jesus Christ is working in them.....

- Perry Noble is an in-your-face, politically incorrect, "I'm a sinner too", "take what the Bible says or leave it cuz that's the way it is" kind of guy. Hmmmm - so is Tommy. I like that. I love it, in fact, and I think God does too. There's way more in common with the pastors of my youth than it first appears.

- The bonding that went on on Friday is beyond words. We sat together for 7 1/2 hours for a debriefing session and while it could have been long and tedious, it was beyond words. Powerful. Some people made some extremely important decisions that day. And I think we were all changed by what we saw God doing in all of our lives because of Iron City Church.

- God lead all of us to look at how we behaved with one another. Ouch. We all were a bit assaulted by how brutal we could be with each other. Thanks to the wisdom of a few people that shared what they felt like God was teaching them, we all had a chance to shine a bright light on some of the darker parts of our nature - like being critical and judgmental of each other, showing impatience rather than love. We're all going to try harder to be accountable to each other in our behavior rather than being a sounding board for our criticisms.....

That's a lot. A lot of growth. A lot of inspriration. A lot of revelation. A lot of God moving and working in our lives. And as usual - it isn't like it's a little movement. These were hang onto your hat, install hand railings size, register on the richter scale shakes. I love it. And the crazy thing is just a few weeks ago as my Esther study began, I was lamenting a perceived (and yet NOT REAL) distance from God. As always - be careful what you ask the God of the Universe for ..... :) He often gives it..... :)

Trip to Indiana

2009-02-25T21:13:00.003-05:00

I had a blast this weekend visiting my sister and her family in Indiana. And these two were the reason why. They are a blast. We played UNO about a hundred times and did all kinds of things! They are just very fun and I wish we lived closer. I'll share details soon but I just had to show this cutest of cute picture!

Message for Mom

2009-02-25T12:15:00.003-05:00

Last week's Esther Bible study class was dedicated in large part to being a woman and since many women are moms there was a concentration on motherhood. Since I am not one, my thoughts went to my own mom. More poignantly appropriate since Esther was an orphan - a word that seems and is so dramatic and yet is really a word that describes my own mom since I was very young. I know she'd scoff at the reference and she's decidedly NOT dramatic about things. But she lost her mom before I was born and her dad before I was 10 - and she was young. But Mom had her own Mordecai :). During a time when her own parents were emotionally removed from her, Dad's parents - my Nana and Popi - stepped in to love her. And so when Mom's parents later passed away, those subsitute parents were already in place. What a blessing. Meeting Dad changed Mom's life profoundly. Much of what mom is as a woman and a mother are reflections of the love of Nana.

I began thinking very specifically of the things I am that are because of mom. I even talked to Carrie about it this weekend. I got a little mad at myself because it was so hard. Not because Mom didn't do a ton to show us that she loved us. She SO did. But because I'm not a mom and because my personality is often more like dad's it's harder to see. So I thought long. And I thought hard.

- I remember seeing mom talk to strangers often in lines at the store. Always a smile and always pleasant. And I can't tell you how many times I've done this and KNOWN that it was something I got from mom. Total strangers will ask me questions or ask my opinion. And I will happily give it to them and spend the next few minutes smiling because I know I just had a mom moment. I love that. It's like I have something about me that says, "Sure! I can help." And that's so completely mom. She could talk to anyone. And while dad is a salesman by profession, this isn't his comfort zone the way it is mom's. And I love that I have that of her.

- Cooking and cleaning are a reflection of love. Mom always kept the house neat and clean because she loved us enough to do that. It wasn't her favorite thing to do but it was how she showed us that we mattered. And I keep this up - because I believe it's true. I love my house and my husband and my life and so I clean and cook. Maybe less than she did - okay - a lot less :) but I've come to really love it and embrace it because I know why I do it.

- Kind of connected to the last one... I always thought of Daddy as the organized one but I've recently come to realize that my mother is and always has been a master of organization. The house, her work, our schedules, food, shopping, cleaning, everyone's every other needs, and on and on. And I like being that. I don't ever remember her scrambling at the last minute for anything and she had a LOT on her plate.

- Loving animals. This one is huge. It is the most natural thing in the world for me to love animals and this is my mother - 100%. Dogs, cats, birds, fish - even the wild animals that I've come to love over the years like dolphins and beautiful fish and even living things like plants and gardening. This SOOOO comes from my mother. And again - not that Daddy doesn't appreciate those things. Just that mom is so over the top so in love with living things that it is clearly from her that my appreciation for the other living things comes. She melts when anything alive is hurting. No holding back of emotions. That always spoke to the size of her heart. Things like birds and fish (or turtles crossing the road) even that could not snuggle or comfort - these things saw an outpouring of love from my mom.

- Gifts given to mom were always followed by oooooos and ohhhhhhs of delight. It didn't matter if it was the ugliest pot she'd ever seen. It didn't matter if it was a potholder that didn't look quite right. To mom, if it came from someone she loved, it was precious and treasured. I hope I'm like that. I can't be sure because I'm on the outside looking in. I know that if the nieces and nephews make me something, it is truly the best thing in the world.

I know that mom has had thoughts in the past that she was secondary to the people we became but I am happy to say that she is so much a part of the person I have become. Not just because of the above but because she created a safe and loving home where I could grow up to be the woman that God made me. Always knowing that I was loved was how mom worked. And I hope she sees that as the earthly foundation for our lives that made everything else possible.

Rumblings in My Soul

2009-02-16T15:31:00.004-05:00

I've shared a few things that God has been doing lately. And so I have a record of it, I'm gonna share some more. I don't feel particularly contemplative at the moment but I feel like God is working on some things and I don't want to lose sight of them. So a list rather than a narrative will do just fine :)

- Forgiveness - I wrote a few posts ago about forgiving people in my past. I'll be blunt. This has to do with relationships with men in my past. My lack of forgiving them and myself has created some giant trust issues that I am dragging into my future. God is really working these things out in me. I have to forgive them and I have to forgive myself for not ending things before I lost part of myself.

- Self Image - I can't begin to tell you how big this one has been. I am not the person that I see myself as - not in the good and not in the bad. I need to spend some time gazing at myself through the glasses of Divine perspective and see what I come up with. And I think part of that will be loving some parts much more and other parts cringing over. And then the result - caring WAY less how other people see me.

- Listening - I feel like He might have been nudging me to do Bible study different this time. I was feeling like maybe this wasn't right - not anything with the group or the study but that it was time to look at things differently. But I dug my heels in - stubborn and a little selfish. And WAY less than faithful that God would take care of my spiritual needs. Fortunately, He doesn't run out of mercy. I'll finish out this study making sure I'm listening to His promptings.....

- Spiritual slumpiness - I can't believe I'm admitting this but I'm in a bit of a spiritual rut. I feel guilty even saying it. My life is right off the hanger charmed right now. I'm living my dream singing in a band that plays a concert to Jesus Christ Himself every week.... I'm meeting with Him in His Word each day and even talking with Bob about how He works in my life. But I'm feeling a little distant. A little unmoved. And I love me some strong emotions!!! I feel like I've been watching the movie of how God's moved in Bob's life and somehow find myself settling for something WAY less than the abundance that He promises. I'm sure it has something to do with humbly finding my place in the new world He's placed me in.

I guess there's something inside of me - like when your bones ache before it rains?? - that suspects that something is about to happen. And I wanted to get my feelings into words before the deluge!

Quitting

2009-02-16T15:25:00.003-05:00

Wow. Just had to share this. It has been over 5 months since I quit smoking and two and a half since I had one that I hated. It occurred to me that 2009 might be the very first year in probably decades that I have not smoked. And it also hit me that I don't even miss it. It's something I did but never felt like I was..... I never FELT like a smoker. I felt like a non-smoker putting on a show......

Oh and by the way - I've "quit" the caffeine addiction too. Since the beginning of January I've had Diet Pepsi's on special occasions but I'm mostly done with that. Feels good!!

The Office Greenhouse Continued!!

2009-02-10T11:55:00.003-05:00

Little more than 2 years ago, Bob and I came home from Hawaii and I was enamored with all things Hawaiian. I had heard once that if you lopped off the green of the pineapple, you could root it in dirt and start a plant of your own. So I did it. I think I tried one by throwing it into a big pot and when it rooted, I was surprised. I THINK this was start number two. Then I did some brief reading. Seems it takes like 3 years to get fruit to grow and the soil needs to have certain minerals, blah, blah, blah. I wasn't going to fuss. I potted it and repotted it and took it to work. I figured as long as it continued to sprout new leaves in the center I was good. Then Monday, I glanced over and WHAT DID MY WONDERING EYES TO SEE!!!! A colorful bloom popping up in the center!!!!!!!!!! I can barely contain myself!! I am so excited!! I am hoping that this blossom turns fruity!!! I'll keep taking care of it the way I was before. Pruning and watering and that's about it. And I'll keep you updated. A pineapple plant in winter. In Pennsylvania. Who'da thunk it??

A Healing Reminder

2009-02-06T12:04:00.002-05:00

This week, I had a very nasty cold.

I slept under my desk at lunch on Monday and Tuesday - so that's bad.

Wednesday I gave up and stayed home to rest.

Wednesday night Pastor Tommy asked for any prayer requests for our big day Sunday and I mentioned my cold. I just want to sing my best on Sunday.

Thursday started out yucky.

Lunch was better as my boss suggested some medication that might work.

The afternoon saw marked improvement - I could breathe! Hallelujah!

After work I laid down to rest for a few minutes and wow! When I got up I felt like a million bucks!!

I thought, "Wow! That medicine's amazing."

Until I sat down at the computer and saw Tommy's email back asking how my cold was......

It was prayer not pills that made me feel better......

I love how God works.

Master Cleanse Update

2009-02-03T12:35:00.003-05:00

Well, I made it all the way to Day 10!!! It was a very exciting accomplishment for me. During that time, I think God was working out some cleansing from the inside too as my earlier posts on forgiveness might have indicated. I know that it will be an ongoing effort but that was one of the clearest benefits from the cleanse. I am back to eating regular food and have decided how I will be changing my eating habits for the future as well. Unfortunately, I developed an ugly head cold on Sunday (the first day off the cleanse) and will need to wait to start my exercise program until my head is weighing slightly less than 10 tons..... I lost some weight while on it but I think I would be willing to do it regularly just for the energy boost that I got. Besides, what else will I do with all that syrup!!!!!! :)

City of Champions!

2009-02-03T11:47:00.006-05:00

Today the city of Pittsburgh celebrates the 6th Super Bowl win of the beloved Pittsburgh Steelers with a parade where hundreds of thousands will spill into the street to cheer. We had a blast watching the game on Sunday and we are so proud of being part of the Steelers Nation. I don't know what it is - maybe being part of something bigger than we are. Going outside and yelling on Sunday night was greeted with yells back from neighbors in every direction, fireworks and general celebration. Work found last week and this filled with common conversations of pride for our Steelers.

I guess that's what I love so much about Iron City Church too. Being part of a bigger plan than our own. God's plan. God's purpose for His people here. People driven by the love of Jesus and committed to obeying His instructions. The humility of being a cog in a wheel that is making tracks - slower than we'd like but making tracks that have eternal consequences. It feels good. It feels right. Oh - sometimes it feels hard too but then, I guess that's been a life lesson - hard is usually good stuff.

Sunday is a big day for Iron City Church. Be praying for God to make some things happen!

Master Cleanse

2009-01-26T19:44:00.002-05:00

I am on Day 5 of the Master Cleanse. Over a month ago I wanted to go back to the gym and work on walking a 5k with my family in the spring. And my feet hurt so bad that I couldn't continue. And of course, the holidays didn't help either.

So January came around and I wanted to do something. I wanted to wipe my slate clean. Make food less important than it was and spend some time with God cleaning up my inside and my outside. Bob and I did the GNC 7 day body detox thing and that wasn't enough for me. I wanted something that was going to help me deal with some of the behaviors that make me want to eat.

And I found the Master Cleanse. Around for 30 years. Lots of people have done it. I wanted to try it. And here I sit on Day 5 having only had detox lemonade (lemons, cayenne, and maple syrup) for 5 days with 5 days remaining. Today has probably been the worst day yet for physical discomfort. I had the weirdest experience with this muscular type throbbing in my left leg that over 2-3 hours worked its way from my calf to my butt. It's gone now. Darnedest thing. I'm inclined to think something is working its way out of my system but I'll reserve judgment until I see how tomorrow goes.....

And oddly enough, I seem to be purging some areas that have been clogging me up emotionally too..... God works in amazing ways. If you think of it, pray that He gives me some direction on where to take things once this detox is over.....

Forgiveness - Part 2

2009-01-26T19:32:00.004-05:00

Sometimes you get reinforcement and sometimes you get REINFORCEMENT!!! Today I heard two teachers refer to the forgiveness issue that God is working on with me. The first suggested that I make a point of recalling what I did wrong in the circumstance and then the things about them that I should honor. Let me tell you, I did plenty wrong. Maybe that's one of the reasons that God is working on me about this. Never at any point with this person did I create boundaries. The confidence I had about myself was not God-centered so it was so substance-less. I didn't value myself and it showed. I made wrong choices that showed how little I valued myself and I certainly wasn't acting like a child of God. So exactly why am I suprised that this person treated me in the same way that I treated myself? Um. I don't know. I don't think I've ever thought about it that way. I don't think it started out that way. But perhaps this was one of a long line of times when God was trying to get me to see that following Him may be optional but certainly not if you want an abundant and full life - a life full of joy - not sadness and disappointment.

Which leads me to the comments of the other teacher who asked - what is your statement of need? Jesus water to wine miracle told of his mother stating a need. Mine is I am out of forgiveness. I just didn't know how to forgive this person. But then my teacher asked - what are you full of? And it was bitterness. She described not exactly being overwhelmed by it, but when ANYTHING brought it to mind, bitterness or anger would spill out. And that is EXACTLY what I felt. I don't think about it all the time but when reminded of this person, I just couldn't be happy for them. I felt entitled to an apology. Jesus Christ is able to turn my bitterness for this person into love. And I know He can do it. It's happening already.

I have some apologizing to do to that person too. I'm sorry for blaming them for all the bad that happened.

Forgiveness

2009-01-25T06:47:00.002-05:00

There have been some moments in my life where I have felt very pressed to forgive. The Holy Spirit has picked me up by my collar and dragged me to some issues that I didn't really want to deal with. Now is one such time. This is a long ago scar that seems to be throbbing a bit right now and I keep feeling like I need to forgive this person for the betrayal - betrayal which in fact impacts even forgiveness with people in my life right now. I'll be praying about how I'm supposed to do this. That part isn't so clear. My life has moved on since that time and there will never be a time nor will it ever be appropriate for me to tell this person that I'm sorry for the part I played and that I forgive them too..... I want to be able to say it. But part of me is still holding onto the need to hear an I'm sorry from them. I have to let it go. It bothers me more than it should and I know that God is the only one who can help. It wouldn't make sense to anyone else.......

Uh-oh, I've been bad

2009-01-22T16:01:00.002-05:00

I simply cannot believe that it's been over a month since I blogged. I love blogging. I think it's the bee's knees. God has been hard at work in my life so it's not for lack of material. I've had ups and downs and joys and struggles. So I don't know. Except for one thing. I discovered this new obsession lately. Facebook. And I think I'm addicted. Except I don't like what it does to my head. So yesterday when my calendar of prayers for women popped up, here's what it said:

Help me invest my time more worthy pursuits, Lord, ones that will provide lasting satisfaction. I'm not sure what you will ask of me, but I am willing to try anything You recommend and give any resulting praise to You. Amen.

Amen, again. I'm back. This is worthy. I can't tell you how many things I've discovered over the years while writing/typing. Journaling is a fantastic thing and has deep spiritual value. So here I come. Back, I am. Oh, don't worry Facebook friends. I'll still be on there checking every so often. Just not making it my homebase. I have bigger and better things to focus on :)

A Christmas Project

2008-12-12T22:00:00.005-05:00

For over a year now, I've had this picture in my mind of the nativity that I wanted for my front yard. Had all the supplies and ample ideas. Just hadn't gotten a round tuit...... Until last weekend when mom and dad were here. Mom and I baked cookies and I asked my dad if he would copy a silhouette that was on last year's bulletin onto a piece of plywood. He gladly agreed at which time I actually lugged the piece upstairs and put it on the coffeetable to do during commercials in a movie we were watching. Yep - I'm crazy. But it was so worth it. He did this on Sunday night and I proceeded to cut it out, prime and paint it and get it up tonight. In between baking and packaging probably 15 dozen cookies and making candy..... I truly do love this season....:) But I promised I'd make the pictures available for my dad to see. Without his excellent artistic skills, it would have been completely out of proportion.....

It's a bit blurry but you get the idea:)!

Preparing to be AWFULLY COLD!

2008-11-22T16:06:00.004-05:00

Bob and I are getting ready to go to a bonfire.

In November.

And it's about 28 degrees out.

And it doesn't start for another hour.

We're crazy. Our church is crazy and we're still going.

Perhaps the consumming fire of our passion for God will keep us warm. Perhaps we'll hug, smile and say - love you all, gotta go! Pictures of ICC-icles to follow - hopefully. Unless the camera freezes.

Did I mention that our pastor is from the South and has the immune system like a seive?

We'll update - when we thaw out.

KLOVE- 99.3!!!

2008-11-22T16:03:00.002-05:00

Good news Pittsburgh fans of contemporary Christian music! We finally have a radio station that plays Christian music all day every day!! Check out 99.3 on your radio - I swear I speak the truth although I didn't believe it when our friend Michael told me. We've only been longing for it since we moved back from Charlotte - home of many, many channels to choose from!

What is a vet?

2008-11-12T12:02:00.004-05:00

I heard this read on our local radio station and wanted to post - albeit a day late. Thank you all but especially to my father in law Robert J. Masterino, Senior who served in the Marine Corp in the early years of Vietnam.

What is a vet?
He is the cop on the beat who spent six months in Saudi Arabia sweating two gallons a day making sure the armored personnel carriers didn't run out of fuel.

He is the barroom loudmouth, dumber than five wooden planks, whose overgrown frat-boy behavior is outweighed a hundred times in the cosmic scales by four hours of exquisite bravery near the 38th parallel.

She or he is the nurse who fought against futility and went to sleep sobbing every night for two solid years in Danang.

He is the POW who went away one person and came back another or didn't come back AT ALL.

He is the Quantico drill instructor who has never seen combat but has saved countless lives by turning slouchy, no-account rednecks and gang members into Marines, and teaching them to watch each other's backs.

He is the parade riding Legionnaire who pins on his ribbons and medals with a prosthetic hand.

He is the career quartermaster who watches the ribbons and medals pass him by.

He is the three anonymous heroes in The Tomb Of The Unknowns, whose presence at the Arlington National Cemetery must forever preserve the memory of all the anonymous heroes whose valor remains unrecognized with them on the battlefield or in the ocean's sunless deep.

He is the old guy bagging groceries at the supermarket, aggravatingly slow, who helped liberate a Nazi death camp and who wishes all day long that his wife were still alive to hold him when the nightmares come.

He is an ordinary and yet an extraordinary human being a person who offered some of his life's most vital years in the service of his country, and who sacrificed his ambitions so others would not have to sacrifice theirs.

He is a Soldier, Marine, Sailor or Airman, and also a savior and a sword against the darkness, and he is nothing more than the finest, greatest testimony on behalf of the finest, greatest nation ever known.

So remember each time you see someone who has served our country. When you see one just lean over and say Thank You. That's all most people need, and in most cases it will mean more than any medals they could have been awarded or were awarded.Two little words that mean a lot, "THANK YOU". God Bless Our Veterans!

New Challenges

2008-11-06T14:58:00.003-05:00

God has been hard at work this week in our lives. Challenging us to rise above our disappointment in reliance on Him for our future. "For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2Cor 12:10. It's been a theme. Emails exchanged with my awesome family have reinforced that we have been drawn closer to Him in our recognition that He is the God of this country's future.

On a lighter note, God has been chipping away at the rough stone of my health for awhile now and this weekend, it started to look like something. I went to visit Emily to Halloween with Burton, Ohio folk in that picture perfect Norman Rockwell-esque little village (I'll get pics up as soon as I can.) Em got up early to run on the treadmill and it occured to me that a 5K might motivate me to get back to the gym. Emily could run it easy with the duration and speed of her workout. And I could work on it for next year and spend my energy getting ready with a serious goal in mind. And what an awesome thing for the kids to see us do as a family!! Molly and Sarah could even participate and with Mom and Dad on their new walking plan, they might want to. And Carrie's always had running on the brain..... So I'm in!!! I even started a running/walking/jogging online log so I can chart my progress towards our goal races in March and October. Yay! I've come to understand that's how God talks to me. Puts these crazy thoughts in my head at the weirdest times. Like at 7am while sitting on the couch in Emily's basement watching her run:) Gave myself a baseline this morning at the gym. I'm tired and my heels are killing me but I think it's near hysterical that God is trying to make me into a runner :) No one ever said He didn't have a sense of humor!

Say a prayer for my feet when you pray about the country this week and our new leader. May his eyes be opened to wisdom, discernment and accountability.

An interesting day and an update

2008-10-26T15:39:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was a interesting day on many fronts. It capped off a crazy busy week with a visit to Mom and Dad's to see the Slussers. Haven't seen them since the summer and won't see them until Thanksgiving so I drove up for a quick few hours of hugs and talks about God's work in our lives. I loaded some cute pictures of the girls in their fairy costumes and the interesting skies on the way home.

Then we were off to the EIP Company Party. I wish I could say it was okay and leave it with that. Bob and I had a challenging evening. And since I know this is not a place to air out dirty laundry, I'll say that we were both challenged in our areas of weaknesses and neither did very well. I was very angry and hurt and disappointed and was kind of at my wit's end about what to do when we arrived home. So I did the only thing that makes sense when you are out of human answers - face down in prayer. Thanks to our study on the Psalms, that was the end God led me to because I was at my own end. Thank you Lord for putting that answer in my stubborn head. And after a long time of prayer, God gave me two things. First, my carpet is a train wreck. Under every peice of furniture was a heap of animal fur. "God gave you that??" you might ask?? Yep. My back was spasming and I couldn't lay flat and I noticed that it had been a LONG time since I moved the furniture. And then I laughed out loud. I was angry with Bob over something that God was working on me with THAT VERY WEEK - doing things that you didn't want to do and not griping or complaining in any way about them because you were doing them out of love for each other and our God. And I'm still not there. Why did I expect that he would be....?? And the second thing was that if there was going to be a change, it wasn't going to be in me lecturing. It was going to be God that does any changing.

And today, Tommy preached words for both of us straight from the heart of the Father. Dirty Little Secrets series part 2 - Fairy Tales are for Children not our Love Life. Amen. Marriage is hard and we stink at it most of the time because we're selfish. So I am so relieved that we are working together on this with Christ in the middle. This way, we actually have a shot at a happily ever after .....:)

On another happy note, Bob's dad is doing better as far as the short term issues that they were dealing with last weekend. They will continue to need constant prayer but God brought a bushel of good out of some very tough things this week and Bob and I are absolutely not alone in seeing that He's hard at work. After some rought times with the Clacks and Masterinos over the years, I can honestly say that He has healed all of us and there is more love for them than I ever thought was possible again.

Answered Prayer

2008-10-22T23:13:00.002-04:00

Without going into too much detail out of respect for other's privacy, Bob's family is going through a terrible time with his diagnosis of Alzheimer's. Some very traumatic events occured this weekend that were pretty shattering to everyone in the family. And again - as with so many events of late - prayers went up from our church family, from my family, from friends, probably from some strangers. And God heard our cry. We went up to see the family this evening and SOOOO many things transpired that showed that God was there. His dad is still struggling - they all are. But there was a peace there that was inexplicable given the circumstances. He is relatively okay and things seem okay for the time being. Bob related to me that he's spent a good deal of time thanking God for things lately. An email circulated twice to him about an angel that stands at heaven's gate who's job is simply thank you delivery. Funny - I haven't seen it once :) But it has spurred him to really make a point of thanking God. And he thanked Him a big one this morning.

Father - Thank you for the prayers you answered and for opening our eyes to see that this was your orchestration. Your love for us is so overwhelming and I bet we miss it far more often than we catch it. Please help us to see so we can glorify you the way you so heartily deserve. In the name of the Prince of all Peace. Amen

Iron City Church turns 1!

2008-10-22T11:40:00.003-04:00

ICC turned one this weekend and it was an emotional day for me. My life is so different because God brought this church a block down the road from us.

Check out the pictures - double click for the captions.

But as always, He gave us the perfect illustration of the value that His church brings to the world. It isn't about the numbers - although we saw our summer average double this week and a dozen or so new folks. It isn't about how we sounded - although in a quieter chorus we heard the voices of the glorious praise ring above our own. He brought someone into that sanctuary that needed Him. Someone who needed Him desperately at that very moment and might not be in a place to be able to grab on as tight to His outstretched hand. So He sent ICC. He sent Michael with a hug and a listening ear. He sent Ami with a eye for the sadness and ear for the listening and hug for the hurting. Father, you sent your children. And I was a blessed witness to the love that you have for us and that runs over from each of us that you have blessed.

God is doing amazing things at Iron City Church. We aren't filling the seats like some of us wish but He's doing something that far surpasses that. And I don't want to miss that.

Celebrate with us. Christ is being proclaimed.

Put-in-Bay - Finally!!

2008-10-18T19:55:00.003-04:00

I finally got the photos in from our day trip to the islands of Lake Erie. If you check out the slideshow to the left, you'll find them and can double click on them to see them full sized and captioned. I so wish I had gotten a picture of Bob careening around corners in the golf cart. It's so funny how licensed drivers get a kick out of driving an golf cart - but I shared his enthusiasm. I didn't get a picture of so many things. The face he made when we wine tasted, the wildlife museum with every stuffed creature in the world, bar row in town. It was a quick day but it was an awful lot of fun. We had a good time and it turned out to be just fine that we didn't spend the whole weekend there. We got to spend Friday night hanging out with Mom and Dad part way there and were pretty tired when we got home on Saturday - but that's not always a bad thing. We really enjoyed each other's company too. Hopefully, we'll get to do another anniversary trip someday that it worthy of ten years - but then again - maybe we already did that in going to Hawaii.

Which leads me to me PS. This is my 100th post. Nothing special about this one but I had long ago decided that the 100th post would be "Our Story" - that is, the journey that God has taken us on since that fateful day - March 17, 2005. And it just so happens that life's routine has slowed the blogging down a bit. Just in time for a bit of a storytelling. So stay tuned. This will have many chapters I believe.

Financial Meltdown

2008-10-14T15:48:00.002-04:00

I read this post today and thought immediately of Atlas Shrugged. This is the biggest propping up that any of us have seen in years. If genius business minds start mysteriously dropping off the face of the planet, I'm praying even harder for Jesus to come back!

http://www.realclearmarkets.com/articles/2008/10/our_everyone_gets_a_trophy_eco.html

Long time no write!

2008-10-14T12:55:00.007-04:00

I can't pinpoint the exact reason I haven't been updating. Not entirely certain. It seems that we've been pretty busy - but I'm not so sure about that either. But here's some updates for ya!

- Preparing for a giant birthday bash at Iron City Church on Sunday!
Our numbers are due for a burst at ICC and we're praying that God finds us ready for a crowd on Sunday! When you sit down and list some of the things that have happened to the core of ICC over the last - oh - 6-8 months, its pretty clear that the enemy isn't happy with what we're doing at ICC and wants us to bail. Deaths in the family and serious illness have hit our church family hard. And particularly so this week. But I was talking to Bob and over the last 8 months we lost Nana and have experienced some serious financial hardship - but our relationship with our Saviour has brought peace that makes it truly full of joy rather than sadness and depression. And He's brought an amazing group of people into our world that allow us a support that neither of us would have thought possible. Pray for God to bring those who need Him to us and give us the words and message. Bob and I sat at the ICC table on Sunday at McCandless Days and talked to a pretty big number of folks about ICC. As the most unlikely of marketers :) we are really hoping we'll see some familiar faces Sunday. We've been participating in semi-weekly meetings with church for planning all these big events too - so maybe we are busier than normal!

- The ICC Worship Band has been sounding AWESOME!!
We had a rocky time for a while - adjusting to the new roles in the band. But it kind of came to a crisis point and since then - we have really come together as a team to sound great for the glory of God!! This last week, I just had a blast praising God. Shhhhhh don't tell anyone but I swear this former Presbyterian nearly raised her hands in praise :) Soon - I tell you - it's coming.

- Every once in awhile you know God puts someone special in your life.
Betty at Trinity Orthopedics is one of those people. I don't always talk to her. A couple times a week. And before we talk, I can't be sure I was thinking of God - but I can tell you that after I ALWAYS am. She is such a testimony for Christ. Loving, kind, and gentle spirited. And so very ready to shine like crazy for Him. Reminds me that I should be making sure that I've not got a basket over my light. I love that God puts her in my day as a reminder of what I should be. Thank you.

- Watching brothers.
Last week our friend Michael took us out to dinner for crablegs. So anyone who knows us knows that this was a HUGE treat!! Bob never goes out to dinner unless its a family thing. And he grumbled a bit but gave in because Michael is like a brother to him. What a total mess we all three were! And I wasn't all that good at it either :) Michael supplemented my meager pickings with whole strips of crabmeat obtained with the ease of a professional. I love him but it was infuriating :) Anyway, he had purchased a gift certificate for Bob for his one year birthday as a brother in the Family of God and gave it to Bob as we finished up dinner. I can't begin to tell you how awesome it is to know that he has such a good friend. Michael is a good guy who's been through stuff just like Bob and it's just awesome that God has blessed both of us with his friendship. And it's an honor to be there for him as he goes through stuff in his own personal life.

- Coming up on 6 weeks SMOKE FREE!
I have now been nicotine free for 2 full weeks. It isn't always pretty and I can tell I'm still a bit crabby but it is a HUGE thing. And mostly all good. I need some serious prayer about not substituting eating for it but I like not smoking. It's definitely an awesome thing that God has given me the strength to conquer. I know it's not done. I'll be fighting the desire for the rest of my natural life and even if I sometimes want one like crazy I like not being a smoker way more......

Fireproof

2008-09-27T20:22:00.004-04:00

Bob and I went to see Fireproof this afternoon. I was excited that he even was willing to go and elated that before he even saw it he wanted to buy The Love Dare book. He's come a long way in a year but I wasn't sure about what he'd think about an openly Christian movie. He agreed even when we thought we'd have to go way out of his radius to see it at the Waterfront. Then he agreed when it was closer but in the middle of college football afternoon game times.

I loved it. The acting wasn't stellar all around but it was very well done. But what held me was the reality of the situation. Things didn't happen just like that for Bob and I three years ago but there were eerie similarities. Divine similarities in how it all wrapped up in a renewed love only possible through reflecting of the same unconditional love that Christ bestows on us. I laughed and I cried. And I watched in wonder, having listened to several radio shows this week explaining how they filmed it with a budget of $100k and one camera and no paid actors.

We walked out of there and Bob said - hold on - "That was awesome." I think we're both processing it tonight. Things with us are better than they have ever been - but they can be better. They'll always be like that until we can love with that agape love that Christ loves us with. Even when we're unlovable. Even when we're pathetic and selfish and dead wrong. I don't know how people do it without God. How they manage crises in life and marriage and family without Him.

It was a risky film to make. And I pray it draws an enormous crowd this weekend - bringing thousands to consider this love that Christ offers not just as a "crutch" as Caleb first calls it - but as a real and practical way of living life and loving each other - one day at a time. And I hope they make more and more and more films like this....... God is clearly at work.

Experiencing God

2008-09-16T15:22:00.005-04:00

We have finished up our bible study on Experiencing God and Tommy was right. It was life-changing.

The first memory verse was John 15:5
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, He will bear much fruit. Apart from me you can do NOTHING."

That one verse encapsulates everything that I've learned from the study. Learned might not be the right word. Maybe metabolized. I knew it. It made sense. But did I get the full implications of it - not a chance.

Apart from me - in disobedience, in rebellion, in confidence in self rather than confidence in God - I can do NOTHING. When I insert myself into this divinely breathed equation NOTHING is absolute zero. The total absence of light. Results in frustration and worry short and simple.

Over the course of the study we were asked to reflect on the study. I don't want to lose sight of any of these things:

1. Stop worrying and start putting that energy into trusting in God's plan.
2. Know that God is at work in EVERY area of our life. God is calling me to be a leader by serving those who are in charge of all those areas.
3. When I am getting caught up in my somethings, I am DOING NOTHING.
4. In order for me to see God working, I have to clear out all of the ME in things that are clouding my vision.
5. Waiting is part of God's plan for me - less of me and more of Him.
6. Obedience means I have to stop making lists of why I can't - too incovenient, doesn't make sense, people don't understand.....
7. Obedience means not fighting Him on things that I don't want to do.
8. The emptiness I feel sometimes is call to Him - not any one of the substitutes that I usually use to satiate (unsuccessfully) my melancholy.
9. Trust and obey is a path to God's best - it won't always be a pretty or a clear path but He already knows the end. He can't do any less. He's perfect love.
10. QUIT BRINGING MY NO INTO GOD'S YES PLAN. His plan results in joy even when you can't imagine it could. He's God!!!!
11. More faith means less planning and less overanalysis. So I have to turn off the worry and let God do His thing.
(This one felt wrong all my life. "Doesn't God want me to DO something?" And I've been learning that the answer is no. I DO and I forget that it's God doing. Don't get me wrong - I don't turn off my brain. But my brain is slowing turning on to the idea that my doing and thinking are attempts at rerouting God.)
12. Admitting that I am selfish and have been for a long time is hard. But it's true. That's my nature and God's trying to refine that right out of me. Pride. Ouch. Quit being defensive about my past and admit that God's been trying to get rid of it for a LONG TIME. My stubborness has prolonged it.
13. Praise Him when I am feeling self-involved. It works. It reminds of who He is.
14. Listen to Him.
15. I can't just chuck it all in a panic. That's me trying to fix things again. And it doesn't work. Ever.
16. Believe that He can do anything even when it doesn't make sense from my limited viewpoint.
17. Prayer is huge. Do it all the time. Everyday. About everything.
18. Believe God. I need to step out in FAITH ALONE.
19. God-sized tasks are His way. See 18 for His methodology. Things that for years I haven't been able to do on my own are how He works. And when that happens, others see that there is no way that it could be other than GOD.
20. Give things to Him and stop taking them back.
21. When things are uncomfortable (servanthood and humility) keep obeying His call to change - with joy.
22. Sharing means absence of self. The warmth of sharing is not in the good it feels for me but joy in sharing HIM.
23. Love all parts - people are hard to love. Maybe impossible without the love of Christ and the strength of the Holy Spirit.
24. Pray for clarity when you don't know if you are hearing from God right. He's not going to withhold that from His children.
25. All of this is for Him. Not me. His glory. His name. His purpose.
26. The absence of the me is HUGE in our marriage.
27. Every interaction with those kids I love so much is an opportunity that should be preceeded by prayer.

That's a long list but it was a HUGE study. It really has changed things. That's a lot to digest so I'll have to ponder that for awhile.

To my mom

2008-09-16T14:41:00.000-04:00

I wonder if any of us ever stopped and considered how hard Carrie flying the coop and them moving back to Ohio was on you, Mom. It was kind of a whirlwind time – and it all happened over a few years. But I was thinking about how hard it must have been. You were the kind of mom that did little for yourself so when there wasn’t the us to do things for, you were probably pretty out of sorts. I’m sorry I didn’t ever think about it. We were all so busy – Carrie graduated and changed jobs and found a place and then Dan, I met Bob and got married and moved in together (not in that order J), and Emily and Ray got married and had Molly all in that time.

I was listening to this radio program today and realized that your – dare I say – unnatural attachment to the pets coincided so perfectly with empty nest that it’s no wonder you needed to take care of something. You are an awesome mom and we love you.

A Celebration of Love

2008-09-09T23:01:00.003-04:00

I'm not entirely certain how to record the moments of last week. I'm inclined to just dump and come back and elaborate when it isn't so overwhelming. Let me apologize in advance for the length of the list. I love blogging but as the headstrong person I am, I am maintaining this as my modern day journal - a place to reflect. So this is one of those rules that I can't abide :)

- The kids - I cannot begin to explain the joy and sadness of watching each of my amazing neices and nephew deal with the loss of their great grandmother. The three oldest in one way and the three youngest in another. Sad but so blessed by the way that Nana touched their lives. Molly's private cry, Sarah's open sadness, Emma's sadness, wave to Nana and concern with the casket lowering. Grace's bold questions and later her grief as she went back to school. Ben's football twirling and concern that he'd wake up Nana. Hope's empathetic sadness that she didn't quite understand.

- The joy of our family - the amazing people that Nana brought together. My cousins and sisters. I cannot get over how lucky we are to be blessed with such love and strength.

- My wake me up in the middle of the night talk with God where He gave me really clear instructions on exactly what I was supposed to say at Nana's service. Per Bob, I called people out to come to know Jesus so they could know how we could find joy in sadness.

- My cousin, Scott, who has quite literally become a complete Jesus Freak and I LOVE IT!

- Grandchildren and great grandchildren singing joyfully for Nana's coming home. Grace and Emma holding papers that they couldn't read but insisting that they have the right papers.

- Breakfast at the fancy table with just Emma where we had a marvelous talk about school and movies and all kinds of things. It was awesome. And Hope who joined us later said that she had gotten all smiley faces the week before - quite a feet for the definition of spirited child. But the topper was this.
Me: "When you get back will keep getting them?"
Hope: "Yep - another, and another and another and another and another..... and then <arms wide open> COLLEGE!!!!" I almost cramped up laughing....

- Emily talking about her dad. The dad whose love and caring for his mother set a very high bar. He was the selfless and incredibly loving man that we know he is.

- All the Barefoot and Saylor family who love each other and come together. The sadness for Uncle George and Uncle Wes as they mourn the loss and the feeling of being a bit more alone.

- The particularly sad grieving of both Ray and Uncle Bill. Two men who don't cry. It was almost too much to bear. But on the other hand another testimony to the love my Nana shared throughout her life.

- Bob and Ray and Dan being supportive and loving when we needed them the most.

That so doesn't capture it but Daddy said that he will be putting together a booklet with some things from the memorial service and perhaps that will do it.

But as the days have worn on, I am sad as I look at her picture that she's just not there. I'm sad that there will not be any more memories made. I've said a few times since then, I can barely be patient enough not to click the mouse 6 times to allow a screen to load on the web. And now God means for me to wait however long to see her again....... comical :) But I am so happy for her. She's with Popi and her sisters and some brothers and her mom and dad and a handful of nephews and lots of people who she's known over the years who will tell her how God used her to enrich their lives. Can't think of anything else that could make us happier. Nana's home.

Day Two as a Not-Smoker

2008-09-08T22:07:00.006-04:00

These last ten days have been full.

I still have yet to gather my thoughts enough to write about Nana's homecoming celebration. But I will because I want to record what happened there. The joy amid the sadness.

Bob and I celebrated our tenth anniversary with some quiet time together. Another thing that I'd like to write more about.

But right now, the item most prominent in my noggin is that both Bob and I have not been smokers for two days now. I stop short of calling us non-smokers because the nicotine is still in there at day two. And I'm using the patch and he's trying the gum.

I'm doing okay. I've been feeling a little wacky in the morning, maybe a little dizzy - don't say it - I know I'm dizzy without this. But I'm pretty much okay in terms of cravings and habit. I've still wanted to smoke - like now as I sit in front of the computer or when I got home from work. But "they" are right. The craving lasts just a few seconds for me and then I'm okay. And I'm keeping myself busy - and I won't be running out of things to do for a long while!

Bob did great yesterday and felt fine this morning but the anger and anxiety is setting in. He decided to try the patch tonight and then concluded that he was best off just going to sleep. I hope he finds some peace there. If you are reading this, please say a prayer that God will give him the strength he needs to fight this particular enemy attack.

I've been toying with varying degrees of quitting since last year when Gracie nagged at me about smoking while we were on vacation - thanks Gracie Mo :). But since Bob and I started smoking inside the house (circa THE BAD TIME, March 2005) it's been hard for me to really quit. The cigarettes are there and available.

A little over two weeks ago, before church Bob calmly said, "What I'm about to say is going to shock you." Okay - don't EVER start a conversation with me that way (March, 2005 - again.) It alarmed me for the nanosecond that preceded, "I want to stop smoking."

During the previously noted bad time of mid-2005, Bob was in the throws of a deep depression, which resulted in a really difficult time in our marriage. Smoking was part of his long term plan not to be here on this planet forever. It broke me up when he talked that way. Well, PRAISE GOD, August 2007 came with Iron City Church and saving faith in Jesus Christ. And I think God has been speaking to Bob about not smoking anymore and that was the big change.

For both of us, health is a motivation - just generally feeling better, and money - which is huge. That money should be going other places that God is calling us to allocate it. Those are plenty good reasons. But for me, there's also the kids - like Grace, who see that we do that and look up to us. Don't want them to think that it's cool because I do it. And then that it's a filthy, stinky habit that is just plain gross.

So we'll keep at it. Dilligently. Keep us in your prayers.

My Nana

2008-09-01T08:35:00.003-04:00

Lois Kathleen (Saylor) Barefoot, 82, Aurora, Ohio, formerly of Murrysville, and Fort Pierce, Fla., was called home to be with her Lord on Aug. 29, 2008, with her family at her side.

Born Oct. 14, 1925, in East Saint Clair Township, Bedford County, the daughter of William Meade Saylor and Carrie (Barefoot) Saylor. On Sept. 13, 1947, in Salix, she married Bernard B. Barefoot, who passed away on July 20, 1994. She is survived by their children, Gary S. Barefoot, and wife, Diane, (Cotton) Barefoot, Aurora, Ohio; Becky A. Henry and husband, David C. Henry, Friedens; six grandchildren, Dena Masterino and husband, Bob, Pittsburgh; Emily Kimpton and husband, Ray, Garrettsville, Ohio; Carrie Slusser and husband, Dan, Hebron, Ind.; Jennifer Vaughn and husband, Jeremy, Atsugi, Japan; Meagen Penatello and husband, Steven, Guyton, Georgia; Adam Henry and wife, Michele, Kennett Square; 11 great-grandchildren, Molly, Sarah, Ben and Grace Kimpton, Emma and Hope Slusser, Abigale and Kathleen Vaughn, Cort Henry, Amelia Penatello and Nathan Penatello, a soon to be newborn grandson; a brother, George R. Saylor and wife, Leah (Adams), Hermitage; two brothers-in-law, Darl E. Westover, Vero Beach, Fla.; Ned Weaver, Lewisburg and sister-in-law, Marge Barefoot, Ohio. She is preceded in death by four sisters, Nelle Weaver, Barbara Handwork, Mildred Oldham and Phyllis Westover; and three brothers, Duane Saylor, Palmer Saylor and Owen Saylor.

During her childhood and younger years, Kathleen was a member of the Pinegrove United Methodist Church in Fishertown. She also attended Parkview Baptist Church of Fort Pierce, Fla. and after moving to Ohio, regularly attended Parkside Church in Bainbridge. She was a graduate of East St. Clair High School class of 1943 and also was a graduate of the Conemaugh Valley Hospital School of Nursing class of 1946. For many years Kathleen worked as a registered nurse and about 1970, she began to follow her husband’s career, working wherever his work took them. Kathleen and Bernard lived in many locations over the years, but their main home was in the Monroeville - Murrysville area until their retirement to Fort Pierce in 1981. She continued to reside with friends and family in Florida until 2005, when she moved to Twinsburg, Ohio to be with her son and his family.

Kathleen was a caring and loving mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, sister and aunt, who will be greatly missed for her enthusiasm of life, love and family.

Friends may call 4 to 8 p.m. Monday and 10 a.m. until the hour of service Tuesday in the chapel of Dalla Valle Funeral Service. Funeral service will be held 11 a.m. Tuesday in the chapel at Dalla Valle Funeral Service. Scott Ream, pastor, officiating. Burial will be held at Fishertown Cemetery.

Sign guest book at :

http://www.legacy.com/PostGazette/GB/GuestbookView.aspx?PersonId=116679984

Timely Baptism

2008-08-31T08:11:00.003-04:00

God knew that this would time itself out perfectly. Weeks ago I signed up to be baptized. Never been since I was a baby but I felt like this would be the time. Here's what I wrote to our pastor yesterday:

"My Nana went home to be with Jesus last night. We are so joyful but still sad.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know - in case I can't put it into words tomorrow, how much I am praising my Father for timing this the way he did. I hadn't felt the need to be baptized and then I found out that you were doing it this weekend at the School House - the location of my bridal shower 10 years ago in July. So this year as we celebrate 10 years of marriage on September 6, we'll be doing it as a marker of a whole new marriage with Christ as the center. That was huge.

And then there's the Nana part. When we went to visit her when she was really bad in March, I think I told you, Lamar that she was SO ELATED for Bob's baptism - she had prayed for our marriage so long. Also she had been immersion baptized probably just maybe 15 years ago and she just knew it was such a celebration. She was a woman of quiet faith and it was a real step for her to go public. Very much God in her. And maybe that's where some of my spiritual roots are in being private in my faith. So it will be very special tomorrow for me in that way too. I know that in some way, she will know that I'm honoring her memory in it too as well as my rededication to my Savior."

Praise God the giver of all things. Today I celebrate afresh a new life in Christ.

You will never know...

2008-08-30T21:42:00.002-04:00

I have never in my life felt so held up in prayer. I cannot begin to explain what an amazing comfort in Christ I have felt through His loyal servants here on earth. Iron City Church friends, work friends, other friends in Christ, blogging friends. God has connected my family with the most amazing people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Your love is clearly inspired by the giver of love Himself. We feel it.

Amazing Grace - My Chains are Gone

2008-08-30T08:42:00.003-04:00

My chains are gone, I've been set free,
My God my Savior has ransomed me.
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Un-ending love
Amazing Grace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine,
But He who called me here below,
Will be forever mine.
You are forever mine.

Nana went home to be with her Jesus last night at 11:17pm. She is in a place where she will never again have pain in her face or an ache of guilt or insecurity in her heart. She will truly know for the first time since she took her first breath, that

she is loved by the One and Only God of the Universe......Amen

Waiting

2008-08-29T14:49:00.003-04:00

Nana has been mostly unresponsive and bad for the last several days. Since the beginning of the week I have known what to pray for - release. No more doubt or guilt about it. Father God take her home - so she can run and dance and act goofy and be free from guilt or doubt and be filled with the most complete love she's ever felt in her life.

My mind is going 50,000 different ways. I'm not sad like I was in March. I'm frustrated and worried about Em and Dad and Aunt Becky. And a little because I don't understand why He's taking so long. I know - I don't get to know and I know His plan is designed out of perfect love so it is absolutely best. I just wish I knew.

And I feel bad for all the times when people lost a loved one that I didn't empathize well. It's hard - even when you know she's headed for the greatest home every built. And it's consuming because this person that's fading away has helped to shape the person that you are today and even though you know better in your head, your heart is breaking.

And I have to stop myself from worrying about everyone else. This person's plans and what will this person do or what if it just a few more days then THIS will be an issue. And last night or this morning it occured to me that I was being an idiot again - trying to control things with prayer. God knows everyone's schedules and responsibilities be it work or church or travel. And He CAN make them all work. I'm just praying that it's soon for Nana. That's it.

And He'll give me the patience I need.

Prayerfully Heavy Days

2008-08-27T15:44:00.004-04:00

Yesterday and today, I have been overwhelmed with the big-ness of the things in life that need prayer:

- Emily emailed yesterday that Nana is mostly unresponsive. She and Nana prayed that last night would be the last night she'd be in pain. I wanted to join them and add Dad and Emily and Aunt Becky to the list. I want to earnestly pray that each day for her.

- Our friend who is so struggling with a marriage and personal demons. That is a fiery furnace - refining at it's most painful.

- A friend who is struggling with a God-sized problem with finances and housing and custody that appears to have no earthly resolution.

But God's also given me this big list of things to pray in gratitude about:

- Due to some staff changes, Bob is now the permanent ICC worship leader. He is stoked about it. No other words to describe the amazing work He is doing in Bob's life.

- Emily shared how she prayed with Molly and Sarah on one occasion and Ben and Grace on another.

- I think I'm starting to understand where I fit in to ICC. God seems to be guiding me to be an encourager. It might be a temporary space but for now, it's working for His plan and His church.

Piercing Even to the Dividing Assunder of Soul and Spirit...

2008-08-21T12:07:00.004-04:00

I can't at this moment recall where that verse is but it was a part of the beginning of every service at Berachah, the church of my youth. And I get what this means in piercing, when I read the list that a new bloggy friend posted of the difference between a proud and broken person. Keep in mind that this isn't offered in judgement but in confession. I am barely even one of the broken things and so easily the proud. If you have a few minutes, it is a long list but it's worth the look in our mirrors....

http://susanzplace.blogspot.com/2008/08/you-may-not-want-to-read-this-just.html

Shellfish

2008-08-19T11:55:00.005-04:00

Okay - it would be easier if I were going to blog about shellfish. But I'm not. It's a cute way of saying a really ugly word. I've got a lot of selfish behaviors to work on and the Holy Spirit is bringing them into some pretty bright and painfully clear lighting. A few items that have come to mind just since this morning:

- Praising God when you are frustrated and overwhelmed pushes selfishness aside.

- Asking God to bless you richly for the benefit of others around you and His glory is not selfish and doesn't even feel that way - in the least!

- Keeping pet sins in a corner of yourself is VERY SELFISH. I read a devotional passage today by Beth Moore that was EXTREMELY CONVICTING. It led to a sort of stream of consciousness revelation. Beth's devotional talked of a sin that she kept feeling bad about that had long ago been confessed. Her realization was some thing to the effect that repenting of sins because you feel bad because you know they are not God's will for you life is different from having real sorrow over the sin. I don't think I understand the Godly sorrow thing very well - and in fact, I've never believed it was part of out and out forgiveness. However, in reading this, I can think of a few sins in my life - past and present, where I know I'm confessing/ acknowledging/ rebounding out of pure ritual. And as I stood in front of of the mirror getting ready this morning, I realized that in confessing those sins, I was totally trying to manipulate God into forgiving me - playing a game that I thought I could win. And that is TOTALLY WRONG and COMPLETELY OFFBASE. As I look back, I realize that there were most certainly consequences to this. I might think He forgave me for the sin and let me start somewhat fresh, but He knew full well that my intentionality in continuing in selfish behaviors was bringing discipline into my life. And so it goes for some of the things I do now. All part of the selfishness that wants what I want no matter if it costs others or God.

Ahhh, the flinchy pain of conviction mixed with the joy of revelation......... I'm growing to love it. Really. Not kidding...... God knows that I am so excited for Him to keep on stomping the daylights out of my pride.

Overwhelmed and Off Balance

2008-08-18T14:59:00.005-04:00

That's my downfall. I get overwhelmed and then the guilt heaps on. Right now, I have a thousand and a half things that I SHOULD do every weekend but it's been beautiful nearly every Saturday or Sunday of the last month. Here has been my thinking - I only have three months to enjoy the pool. June was a wash because of planning mom and dad's weekend and it was rainy. I'm not even sure I had a weekend to just read and lounge until right before the party.

So now that it's been nice I've been reading and hanging out in the pool as much as possible, there are things that aren't getting done. The dust bunnies have built up significantly. And a certain loved one made an observation this weekend that made me question that neglected chore. I've rehashed things since then and I still think that is an okay choice to make.

My hang up is that while making the sacrifice of clean for fun is an acceptable one, it still doesn't sit well. Lots of things have gone to h-e- double hockey sticks. Yard work, bank statements, filing, the list goes on and on....... And that my friends is how I roll - guilt, guilt, guilt. I neglect to find peace in the things that I am making an effort to keep caught up. I dwell on all the areas I fall short in. Know what's funny (other than the fact that every woman deals with this dilemma)? This happens every year. And every year I freak out about this time as the summer wanes, and I see how much I have to do. Funny part two? The world hasn't yet collapsed in a heap and neither have I.

So I've decided to put this in my faith/ prayer jar. I don't have balance - if I'm not killing myself, I think I'm a slacker and I'm susceptible to the least inclination or comment from others that way. So even when I'm seeking it, I can't find it. So - in yet another area of my life (following recently behind body image, weight loss, and selfishness - ouch!!) I am giving it back to God. If I don't have control, I think my world is going to implode. And deep down, I know better. I serve a God who has my best in each and every plan. He IS PERFECT BALANCE. So the only way I'm likely to have balance is to have Him - every day, all the time.

PS - In the realm of body image and weight loss, He's really been surprising me. In the last few weeks, I have lost 12.5 pounds. Without obsession, without deprivation of giant measure, and with out compulsion. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me - cause this stuff is off the chart NOT ME!!!

For the Love of Life

2008-08-14T22:02:00.003-04:00

I love flowers and plants. Watching them bloom and grow has been a recent hobby and there are some photos that explain why it is such a joy. God has made such beauty and wonder in living things.
The flowers that my friend sent after my visit with her and our friend Caralyn a few weeks back. It was a beautiful surprise!

The gorgeous Hibiscus that Bob's mom got me for my birthday! It's still blooming now - been a couple weeks!

My garden/ pride and joy! What a lot of work but how fruitful! If that isn't a parallel to the spiritual life, I don't know what is. This was taken a couple of weeks ago and since then I've had to unattractively stake up my tomato cages because the shear weight of the plants was pulling them over. The beans are almost done now but the basil is still going to town even after being plucked clean a few times! Can't wait for the gold mine of tomatos that is on it's way!

Living Proof Live 2009!

2008-08-14T15:12:00.003-04:00

http://www.lifeway.com/ev/events_detail_mainpage/0%2C2232%2CE%25253D39%252526M%25253D200979%2C00.html

For months I have been reading the LPM/ Moore family blog and wistfully watching the recap slideshows, wondering why she never came to Pittsburgh........

Then a few hours ago, my Aunt Becky sent me an email that she was coming, she was coming, SHE WAS REALLY, REALLY COMING!!!!! Next year June 12-13 on the eve of my 39th birthday she'll be here at the Peterson Event Center at Pitt! I am so excited I could just scream! Or dye my hair blond.... or sing a praise song at the top of my lungs with my hands all a-wavin'....... Anyhow. If you need me on those two days, I will be busy - very, very busy loving God and singing with Travis Cottrell and learning me something new from my favorite Arkan-Texan Bible teaching friend Beth Moore!!

See you there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A New Look!

2008-08-13T15:39:00.003-04:00

Hey! Don't go away! It's still me!! I've just changed the template on the blog to make things less cluttered looking. I like it. Not as cozy as the last one but goes with my theme - a lighthouse, a beach, seeking peace and hope. Anyway, same old me!

Oh and for those that have noticed that I changed my photo, I'm desperately seeking that too:) Three years and so many pounds but the same old me inside!!

Good Reads

2008-08-13T14:55:00.003-04:00

www.goodreads.com

So THIS is what has kept me from blogging in the last few weeks!! :) Not exactly the website but the reading. My summer reading phase has finally kicked in and I am devouring books of all kinds. My most recent start is a 1200 pager so I imagine I'll hit a bit of a stall but I LOVE THIS SITE! It's a networking site but it allows you to enter in all the books you are reading, have read or would like to read. And in a reading family like mine, it's so fun to see what we're up to! And it takes all kinds of books to keep us entertained so we have quite a variety! Check it out and become my friend!!

Happy Reading!

And Dena discovers pesto

2008-08-01T15:54:00.005-04:00

After all these years of questioning the taste of green things, I think overall I've found that most green things are pretty palatable with just a few exceptions. My friend Carrie questions my sanity in not liking guacamole but that has less to do with color than consistency. Mostly green is good. And perhaps now that I've tried pesto and found out that I was missing something so AWESOME for so long, I'll be more adventurous with my tastebuds.

My sister Carrie, has asked that I post my recent discovery here so she can give it a whirl too. Credit for this very Italian looking recipe with imprecise measurements and "a bit of this or that" references goes to my boss who IS very Italian and LOVES to cook even though she has three kids and I can't even get my head around that.... :)

"O.k., here is what I do… I fill my food processor about halfway with the basil leaves (when I do not have enough basil, I throw in some fresh Italian parsley to supplement). Traditional basil pesto uses pine nuts (aka pinoli (sp?) nuts). Pine nuts are rather expensive so I substitute with almonds or pretty much any nut that I have on hand. I toast the nuts on the stovetop just until I begin to smell them toasting (if you ever toasted nuts then you know what I mean).

To the basil, I add the nuts, about 2 handfuls of freshly grated parmesan cheese, a couple of small cloves of garlic (the garlic thing is a personal preference, some people add more than me but I just like a hint of garlic) and just a pinch of salt. I pulse my food processor for a minute or so to grind everything together and then I slowly drizzle in olive oil while running the food processor. My best guess is that I add about ¼ to ½ cup of olive oil when using the large food processor. Basically, you want to add enough oil to bring the pesto to the consistency of peanut butter (maybe a little looser).

Sorry for the lengthy instructions. The whole process only takes a few minutes."

I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT. On salmon, on tuna melts, on salad, on vegetables, on bread. It's good and I have enough fresh basil to keep the good feeling going!!

So good luck to you!

Scarlett

2008-07-28T20:01:00.005-04:00

I know I'm a hopeless romantic but I'm also a lover of books so it all works out. Last night I finished the sequel to Gone with the Wind. I can't even begin to explain how much I loved it - except that it was 823 pages and I was desperately sad when it was over. It was a smile, a hug of the book and a deep, deep sigh......

But the reason I'm blogging about it - other than to encourage any fans of Scarlett O'Hara Hamilton Kennedy Butler to go out and read it - is that when I first read the reviews of a few folks they found it so unbelievable that this was the Scarlett of the earlier book. According to them she would NEVER have done the things she did in the book. And I say BLARNEY!!! Scarlett was 18, I think, to start the first book. I can't recall how many years pass but by the time the second book begins she's 30 and the new book chronicles those next 5-6 years.

When I first started reading the book, I was alarmed. I read the book in fourth grade and LOVED Scarlett. She was bull-headed and beautiful and strong and smart and loved business and was a hopeless (and I mean that word) romantic. I set my sites on growing up to be just like her. Except I didn't see then what I know now - she was horribly, dreadfully, painfully self-absorbed. She was horrible. And I started to sink in my seat. I've been getting billboard after billboard about this - my own favorite sin. I think God's been trying to stomp the wicked thing right out of me - my pride that is.

Anyway, so as not to give away the plot, I won't elaborate but the sequel follows her through some lifechanging experiences. Wonderful, beautiful experiences and painful and devastating ones as well. And by the time it's all over - she's not the Scarlett she once was. And my question is - who of us is the same at 35 that we were in our early 20's? To those nay-sayers that claim that the Scarlett of old could never compare, I shrug and say that is true. But life grows us up. Thank God, He doesn't leave us the way He finds us.

How vain that I compare myself to this monument of fiction!!! Not so much that but for asmuch as I'm NOT CRAZY - books have a way of creating a relationship. And I've loved her in that book - the good, the bad, and the ugly. No one EVER said that Scarlett wasn't messed up. She really really really was ALWAYS messed up. And so am I - still. But I'm ever so pleased that life has squeezed some of that out of me - as it did her.

I will hold onto this book because Daddy gave it Nana for a birthday because she loved that story. But I'm thinking maybe I need to get those plates from him. Nana has always loved Gone with the Wind. And it seems so have I......